Nine.

This day nine years ago I woke up to sunshine, beautiful weather and a big round, 38.5 week pregnant belly with our beautiful daughter. Every year this is the day that my body remembers what happened. Phantom aches in my arms, heaviness in my heart and a smile that creeps out when the tears show up. As the years have gone by my memories have shifted. I have learned to carry and experience so much joy, so much laughter and embrace the time that she was physically here with us.

Last week, I read an article written by a mom, it was 8 years after the passing of her son. In this article she talked about the before and after. Even on the good days, good weeks, good months… there is the before and after. It isn’t so much about who we were before anymore….it’s about who we are now. The life NOW. The after… I am always going to wonder who this amazing child would turn out to be. What is amazing is how she continues and will continue to grow with us. IN us. With our boys. 

We celebrate life. All of it. Including her.

Every year, we celebrate her Birthday. We have a small intimate gathering with the people that support our journey. We play her song by Daughtry “ Gone too soon”, we sing Happy Birthday and make a wish for her. This year, her brothers had so many questions leading up to her party. They wanted to know why she died. They wanted to know what gifts she wanted for her birthday, when they get to meet her, what her favorites things are, what THEY were going to get for a gift, if she ever going to come back. Their questions are some of the most loving, genuine questions. It is so humbling to hear them. And it opens great conversation for them to understand. They love hearing about her. They love talking about her. It’s a part of their story and how they came to be. 

Part of the lyrics to her song are “Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, I’m always asking why this crazy world had to lose, such a beautiful light, we never knew, gone too soon…” This part of the song gets me every time. I can answer many questions, these ones are always the ones unanswered. We will never know. I do believe she would look like Teegan, with bouncy curls. I believe she would be so much of all of us. Just like her brothers. I believe she would be the best big sister and the best friend. 

It was supposed to rain yesterday, and the weather kept shifting so that the sun was shining. It was a great day filled with happiness. It was a day that our boys couldn’t wait for everyone to get here to have Sunday Family dinner. It was a day that we were happy. Even when we had a few tears shed, it was full of peace. Healing.

I am so grateful to be her Mom. I am so blessed for the time I had with her. Growing with her and learning so much about my body, about Motherhood. About Strength. Love. Joy. It is not about the grief. It is not about her death. It is about her. Delaney Ann. She made us Mothers. She gave us the strength to carry on, even in the hardest of times. It is about how we continue to love and show love. How we educate others around us.

Before we played her song yesterday, I found myself in the place between time and space. 

Finding the words to thank our family that continue to say her name. That continue to show up for ALL of the things. The good and the bad. And I found myself stronger, more healed, more joyful, more grateful. We made a wish with her brothers, one whom lost two more front teeth this weekend. One that just wanted to get to the cookies. And I was thankful. Thankful for the day. Thankful for them. Thankful for the continued support and embracing the before and after.

 

My wish for Delaney this year, is that somewhere up there, somewhere in the stars, she sees us. She hears us. She knows how much she is deeply missed and extremely loved. That when her brothers yell out her name every time they see a white butterfly, that she’s smiles. 

“Sunshine helps keep us smiling and positive” and she is forever our sunshine. Our daughter. Our girl.

Thankful. Grateful. And Forever changed.

 Thankful. Grateful. And Forever changed.

I have been doing a month of thankful posts. Today, is a blog. Today is this. There have been so many times in my life that I’ve picked up a pen and paper or typed away at a keyboard to release. Sometimes the release feels amazing. Other times, it’s a heavy release. Regardless of how it feels, it feels damn good to get it out.

Some blog posts are relatively nonsense. A jumbling of words to express myself. My blog is similar to when I kept the diaries under my pillow during my teenage years, some days its all over the place. Other days it serves a purpose of telling a story.

Today’s post is simple. I’m Thankful. I’m Grateful. And I’m forever changed.

Here I sit, 39 years young, and so humbled by my life. Of course, I have had terrible days. I’ve had hard times. I’ve gone through the ringer more than I would wish on anyone, but I have also Loved, Learned, Grown, and been blessed beyond measure.

I like doing this 30day thankful challenge because I don’t have to sum up in just a paragraph what means most to me. However, I don’t even think 30 days is enough. I feel I can wake up every day of my life and be thankful.

I am not saying my life is perfect. Trust me its far from it. The life I do have, is perfect for me. Its the life I dreamed of when I was kid. Surrounded by my family. The house, where the walls around us carry the laughter. The bed to sleep in at night and lay there letting the woes of the day go away. The full bellies with food I find joy in cooking for my family. The chaos. The loudness, that won’t be there always. The grossness in the fart/poop stories that come from the boy’s wont always last. The jammed packed schedule or fitting everything in. The long days that fly by at the same time.

I won’t always have my parents alive. I won’t always have Sunday dinners, campfires, cookouts, brewery stops, brunches, and the love around me from this oversized and dysfunctional bunch.

I’m thankful that I wake up next to the love of life. That regardless of the challenges that have been put on our path, we overcome. That we found each other again. 

I’m thankful to have some amazing best friends. Ones that have become my family.

I’m so thankful for mended relationships this year. Openingfamily space for our boys and for us. 

I’m thankful that I learned how to forgive. How to move past old wounds that I do not need to carry. I’m thankful for allowing more love into my heart.

I’m thankful for a career that I love. A career that I can grow in. One that challenges me to be better. To keep pushing and learning. I’m thankful that people took a chance on me.

I’m thankful that I survive. And I keep on surviving. The good, the bad, and the daily.

Sometimes, we get so focused on the bad. It can be one negative thought to start off our day and it can continue to affect those around us like a cancer. Spread the anger, the hate, the negativity. Making it heavy on ourselves and the ones that love us most. Taking that simple step back to reevaluate the way in which you hold yourself, sets the tone for your health. Mentally and Physically. You can do anything that you wish. You just have to work for it.

You want a new job? Work at it. You want a healthier lifestyle? Work at it. You want a better relationship with a partner, family,or friendship? Work at it. 

YOU don’t get what you wish for, YOU get what you WORK for. You’ve got this. YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS. Look at your life, see what you have. If you have enough, celebrate it. And even if you want more, celebrate that too. Its good to have the balance of being grateful for the life you have and strive for more.

I am not the same woman that I started 2021 with. And I’m not even the same woman that is going to start 2022. I am a constantly evolving Woman. I have a fire in me that has grown. I have a passion and a desire to live the best life. Embracing my journey. Embracing the people on my path. Entwining the love in my heart with the growth of my future.

I will not look back at my past with sadness. I will value you for bringing me to my present and paving the way of my future. Without it, I wouldn’t be me. Without the lessons, the pain, I wouldn’t be as strong, as wise, or even as grateful for who I am. 

I am thankful for my tribe. The people that will be a part of me….Past, Present and Future. Because every good book hasmultiple chapters. 

Last and Probably the most important this year, I am THANKFUL for me. I am thankful for the woman that I am becoming…. I am thankful. I am grateful. And I am forever changed.

 

My birthday Wish

You never realize how quickly your life, body, mind, and soul can change. It doesn’t take much to completely rock your world. 

Our emotions and mental health truly control every other aspect of our lives.

Our gut health is attached to all our psyche. It controls how we survive. 

I’ve never been a small girl. I hit puberty super early because I had my first menstrual cycle when I was a ripe young 9. Which meant I had to learn about it through the school nurse when I thought I was dying.

I remember always being the ‘chubby’ girl. I was the 6th grader with a size D cup bra. I was the 5’2” girl that just kept growing in her belly vs her height. I was a snacker. I had a sweet tooth,and I was a bit lazy in high school. I drank ice coffee that I used to call crack, I would get a medium with 8 and 8. I know GROSS. After high school, I lived on diet pills, water, cigarettes, and a few other items I won’t disclose and lost a lot of weight. I, for the first time, and only time, hit size 4. That was not healthy for me. I looked gross. I then realized, food did need to be in daily life, if I wanted to stay alive.

By my 25th Birthday, I was finally OK with how I looked. I teetered between a size 8 and 10. I didn’t have to worry much about what I ate or drank because I was active. I worked Retail and was always on my feet. I Fell in love. We moved to the big city of NY. I quit smoking, started a desk job and put on some weight.

By the time we were married in 2010, I had gotten up to a size 20. I had for the first time since high school, hated whom I saw in the mirror. I took it for granted though. I still didn’t think I deserved to do things to take care of me. 

When we were getting pregnant in 2012 with Delaney, I had a “goal weight” of 210 pounds, in order for me to try and get pregnant. I got down to 212. I got pregnant. With being as sick as was with her, my delivery weight was 220. After she died, I quickly put on weight. Not from overeating. But from depression, mental health, alcohol and eating my once a day at 10 pm, if that’s what I could muster. I was stuck in the hamster wheel of grief. It happened for years.

In 2015, when we got pregnant with the boys, my goal weight for IVF, was again 210…. Never made it. Nonetheless, I got pregnant, OBESE, with twins. I hardly gained weight with them because of Hyperemesis. My highest Twin pregnancy weight was 239. The biggest I had ever been in my whole life. And it was only 9 pounds more than when I got pregnant. 

Fast forward to August of 2019…. I could not run around the back yard with our kids. I could hardly help my wife do yard work. I had “allowed” myself to get so lost in my depression that I had gotten up to 244.9lbs. I took a long hard look at myself. This woman, who after having some bad experiences, was throwing her life down the drain. I started to research all of the different (diets) that were available. I decided that Beach body on demand was the (diet) and exercise program that I wanted to try. I could do this in the comfort of my own home. I could follow tons of recipes to ensure that I was eating the right foods to get healthy for my boys. By February of 2020, I had lost 39.8 lbs. I mean, of course, I celebrated it as if it was a 40lb loss. And then BOOOOOOOM, Covid happened. In March of 2020, I packed up my desk for a two-week work from stint, the boys immediately started school from home, we shut our doors to friends and family, and you all know the rest…. 

By April of 2020, we should’ve taken stock out in the Micro-Breweries in the Area because we spent WAY too much money on beer. Which also translated to Nachos at 10pm, and stretchy pants all the time. I didn’t see how quickly I was packing that weight back on. The weight that I busted my butt to take off. Fast forward to the holidays, I at this point didn’t care about what was going in my mouth, or hadn’t done a workout in months. I could only fit in to the last couple pairs of “fat” jeans that I held on to. I started to see how much weight I had put on in my face. In every picture that was taken. I started to give up on the woman that I am.

May of 2021…. I said WTF are you doing, Sasha. I finally stepped on the scale and had put on 31 pounds of that weight loss from just the year before. Not happy with myself. I was so close to the ONEderland (for anyone that has ever weighed over 200, that’s what us bigger folk call the 100s) and I let that slip away. A number I hadn’t seen since I first met my wife. A friend of mine was about to start a 75-day challenge. Part of that challenge was working out, posting a selfie, water, and I forget what else, but I started it with her. I will admit, I didn’t so all 75 days. I didn’t give it my all. But I found something inside myself in the days that I did do. I found my spark again. I found my motivation again. I for the first time, looked in the mirror and saw me. I know that in 2019/2020 I was motivated. But there is something different this time. I’ve been connecting more dots. I have been losing more than just physical weight. I have been losing mental and emotional weight. I’m letting go and moving past so much baggage that has been such a large toll on my life. 

After that initial 75 days, I took part in a 30 day one, which then lead to a September Mental health one. And now continuing to do a positivity for the remainder of 2021. I have mended broken relationships, I have started new ones, I have opened wounds that needed it by being true to myself. I have let too many people for too long treat me worse than I deserve. I have carried other peoples baggage, when it wasn’t mine to carry, so I let it go. I am true to myself. Some people may not like it, and that’s on them. I will never settle for less than I deserve.

I have a little over 2 weeks to my 39th birthday. My last birthday in my 30s. For my first birthday in my 30s, my wish for myself was to be pregnant. That wish came true. I had Delaney in my belly when I celebrated. I am making a wish for myself for my 39th birthday. That for the first time in my 30s, and the first time since my 25th birthday, I will be in the ONEderlands. 

Now for all of those that have been following my numbers…..In May I had started this journey at 236.1lbs. I weigh in today at 203.2lbs. Smaller than I had gotten in 2020. Now, I am challenging myself to 3.3lbs by October 21st. Because I WILL have my birthday wish come true. I will look in that mirror after I step on that scale….proud, grateful, determined.

I know that it isn’t all about the scale. I feel it. I feel…better. And I’m working my ass off to feel GOOD…. And then, GREAT. 

  

Finding my way back to me….

 Get ready for a vulnerability/accountability post:

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again… you have to love you. This morning the alarm went off and I shut it off. My body didn’t want to get out of the bed. I was tired.  I shifted the time that I got my workout in today. And that’s ok! As I was sweating my ass off I thought to myself, it’s always so easy to come up with an excuse as to why I can’t/won’t do something. Why don’t I use that same ease to find a reason for something…..

I have not been sleeping the greatest the past couple of months, because mental load. I’ve been actively working on myself. On relationships in my life and also working towards a healthier me. And the relationship that I have with myself. I took a long hard look in the mirror back in May. From a health perspective I was heavy. Both physically, mentally and just rotten. I was not being the best mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc. but in all of those relationships, I was also failing to be the best ME.

Some you may remember the Sasha that I was in 2012, but some of you don’t. I’m not talking physically because I’ve always been the big girl. I’m talking the genuinely positive, always doing what I can for everyone else Sasha. Now , you may be thinking that is who I am today, but somewhere along the way I forgot about doing things for me, too.

2013 was by far the hardest year of my life thus far but god I am so thankful and blessed to have to lived through it. And so many years since then, I have struggled more than I’ll admit. The best part of this struggle is the growth I’ve had. The amount of love I’ve given and learned to allow in. Becoming a mom to breathing children and parenting the best way I can. Of course, there are many times I have felt as though I’m failing but then daily, I find reasons to win too.

I allowed myself to be taken advantage of so many times by people that are supposed to love and support me. Realizing that I give more of me that I get back. And more so, the more I gave, the more I lost….me.

Well in May, my life took a wild turn. I started to fall in love again. I looked in the mirror and saw this lost woman. This woman whom had almost lost her life twice now but wasn’t living as authentically as I could. I started to focus on what makes me happy. On what makes me healthy. On what I need to have a happy life. I had some very hard conversations with people that i had avoided for such a long time. Some of those conversations bridged a gap for relationships that were broken and we are currently repairing. Some of those conversations fell on deaf ears and I’m going to continue to push for a resolution. If I can not get to one, then those relationships in my life may be forever changed, and that is also ok. 

My marriage hit a very rocky patch because I was not actively hearing, seeing, or allowing myself to be ok anymore. I wasn’t being the partner that I signed up to be. This is going to be an ongoing process to building back everything we worked for. We both made some mistakes but together we have overcome and grown through so many things over the past 15 years. That I am up for the challenge. My heart wouldn’t be anywhere else. Marriage is hard. It takes constant work. Communication is key to having it be successful. And my wife is my favorite journey. She’s my favorite person on this planet and worth everything I have to give to another human.

And then there is my health. I almost lost my life for the third time this summer. And that will be the last time!!!!  I stepped on the scale today….. and I looked at a number smaller than I’ve been since 2008. And that feels incredible. It’s not just the number, it’s the way my clothes feel. It’s that sexy confidence I have when I look in the mirror at myself. I’m down 32 lbs since May.

And now I have a new goal. A goal that you all can help me hold myself accountable for. I am going to have my last birthday in my 30s next month. And it is going to be my very first birthday in my 30’s and honestly since my 25th birthday that I’ll weigh less than 200 lbs. I may have a way to still to go to reach my end goal (if there ever really is an end goal) but gosh I feel good and I just want to welcome you all to meeting….and remeeting ME

I can do hard things

 There is something to be said about self-love… the importance behind it. The Why behind its importance. There are many times that it so easy to forget about yourself in this life. In a career, in a relationship, when you are a parent, when the outside world teaches us that we are never good enough. Media takes over and promotes that we need to fit a certain mold. Or we need to follow a set of rules for our life to matter. I am here to change this thought process. I am here to call attention to this. Stop paying attention to the copious amounts of negativity surrounding you and start looking deep within yourself to find the love of your life…. Search within yourself to love the most important person you will ever be with, start giving that person that energy they deserve. That person is, and always will be, YOU.

 

Now, bear with me because I am going to gas myself up a little bit here, and no it isn’t because I am cocky, it is because I am a god damn cheetah and I deserve to love myself. 

Let me preface this post about myself to tell you that it has taken a long time for me to understand the relevance as to why I need to love myself. Ive learned that you cannot pour from an empty up, as cliché as that sounds. I am not the prettiest, smartest, funniest, skinniest, most succession woman in the world. You know what, that is OK! I am so much more than being the best at any of those things. What I can say about myself is I am strong, determined, beautiful, caring, successful and most importantly 100% true to myself. I am never afraid to face a fear or challenge head on. 

 

Almost a year ago I was faced with a challenge. A professional one. At a time in my life where I was loving my career. I found out, in the middle of a global pandemic, that my team was being let go. Now before this could happen, we needed to spend the next month ensuring that all outstanding work was completed and that we could hand over our relationships to someone else. Did this hurt me? Sure a little. But it didn’t stop me. I worked that last month doing exactly that. I pushed to continue to grow myself as a person. I joined the unemployment world for the first time ever in my life. I jumped feet first into finding something new. You know what the positive to that is? Because of my continued passion and building those relationships, it only took me 6 weeks, 25 job applications, 8 interviews and 3 job offers to determine my next step.

 

I have now been in my new role for just short of 9 months now, and I will tell you, I am killing it. It has given me confidence in myself that I truly can do anything I put my mind to. It has given me more successful relationships, career advancements and the courage to step outside of my comfort zone. It was an interesting dynamic to do everything via a computer screen when finding my role but like other things, I did what I had to do.  

 

Today, for the first time in 16 months, I drove myself to one of our offices in Stamford to meet my leader face to face. I was able to meet some of the agency partners that I’ve only met on the phone. I smiled and laughed. And you know what else? I broadened my horizon, again. I introduced myself and showed a little bit of me. I have earned a few different achievement badges within my time here, and today I am presented with a certificate that will be shared with thousands of other people that have yet to meet me. These people will see my name and my accomplishments. These same people that were able to see my name and a picture of my family when I was showcased in a pride post last month. I may still have doubts about who I am as a person. Sure, there are some days I look in the mirror a little disappointed in myself or grabbing a chunk of my skin that has carried three children. I have to tell you though, I see below that surface. I see that fire, desire, passion, accountability, and strength in that woman, and I WILL NOT GIVE UP on her. 

I am worth more than what anyone has to say about me that doesn’t know me. I am worth everything that this life has to offer. I have to tell you all, I am so proud of who I am now and who I have yet to become.

8 years.

 8 Years. So much has changed. Yet, so much remains the same.

This week my body and mind remember so much, that on any given day I cant seem to find the details.

I started my bereavement group almost 8 years ago. It had been 10 days since Delaney died. It had been 5 days since I was released from the hospital. This was the first time I was sitting in a room, face to face telling “strangers” our story. The first time we shared even an inkling of our story was not even 24 hours after she died, via social media and a phone call. A phone call that changed my life. This amazing woman Lisa, had a daughter Delainey, whom became a member of this club when she lost her daughter, Tylee. And she introduced us to a set of moms whom had lost their son, Luca. The first time at our grief group, was another mother’s first time, whom also had a Delaney.

At this bereavement group, this was the first time we had to tell our story out loud, especially so new in that new journey. You tell it through tears, snot, hyperventilating and in this fog that cant be described. I remember surveying the room…. There weren’t tissues…there were other families that were there. But why? Babies aren’t supposed to die. Why were families here? It was then that I started to understand this new club that we were apart of. This new space that didn’t feel right but knowing there were others, made it feel real. 

The more and more we went to these meetings, we heard more and more stories. More and More babies names. More families devasted by the loss of their beautiful child(ren). I learned that tissues were there, just hidden. A way for you to not feel like you needed to suppress your tears. Each meeting you could tell your story. You skip yourself. It was a safe space. A space in time that you could share all of the things you wanted to. Without people looking at you with a pity. Or saying some of dumb things that *outsiders* of this club could say.

Sometimes we would share some of the awful stories that friends, family, coworkers would do or say to “help us move on”. Some days we would find joy and laughter in rejoicing positive changes with each others lives. My meetings became a pivotal spot in my process of gaining my breath back. My heart, in all of its broken form, started to mend. Gathering space for other peoples babies. Growing again. I worked through some of my hardest and darkest moments along side these women, men and their children. I learned to tell my story in a way that felt comfortable. In a way that I could manage to tell a stranger, regardless of the strangers feelings. I learned I didn’t have to shelter anything that I didn’t want to.

I have changed how I tell me story many times over the course of the past 8 years. And today I am blessed to have our two beautiful sons. Our rainbow babies. They love to share time and space with their sister that lives in the stars. At the age of 5, they portray her life better than most adults. Pure love, pure innocence and zero fear of talking about their sister, who died.

The story of Delaney has grown and evolved, just as my love for her has. She is not my daughter who died. She is my reason for getting up each day. She is the whole reason I become a Mama. She gave me strength I didn’t know existed. She gave me love that helped emerge my soul. She gives me peace on my hardest days. Because yes, even after 8 years, I still ache for her. A mothers love is endless. So that love will end when I do. I am so grateful for the time I had with her in my womb. The hardest pregnancy that I fought with all my might to get through. And this life, that I continue to fight with all my might, to get through. I tell you without my Delaney strength, there are many times I would’ve given up that fight.

8 years ago, I became a Mama. HER Mama. 8 years ago, I went through 27 hours of labor knowing that my 38.5 week old growing baby had died inside my belly. 10 days from her due date. 10. I remember the feel of her. I remember the fear of what delivery would be like before we knew she had died. I remember the shift in that fear of delivering her knowing she died. I remember that dropping to my knees while I sat there alone with the Sono Tech… I remember the feeling of my inner self leaving my body shell. It was like floating above my body looking in on someone I didn’t know. 

I often tell people that have met me after the loss of Delaney, that I’m not the same person. There is this quote that says: “When my baby died, I was suddenly caught up in a tornado whirlwind, spinning around in circles and upside down, finally dropping at lightening speed back to earth, but in a totally different place from where I was first picked up, and unable to find my way back to the place I had been before. That place no long we exists.”

I am here with you, if you are a parent that knows this loss. After Delaney, we experienced a miscarriage. One I don’t often speak of. I don’t know if it is due to the amount of time that had passed since her. Or if my body didn’t allow me to connect. The loss, although hard, felt different to me. The time and space hadn’t allowed for me to ache as bad. That loss almost prevented me/us from having our boys today. In Delaney’s fashion, she sent us a message to TRY again.

8 years. 8 years old our beautiful daughter would be on May 17th. A day that gives me such love. A day that fills my emptiness with fullness. The days that lead up that day are hard. My body, My soul, My Heart, my inner space feels. It aches. It remembers. I get phantom arms. I carry the heavy weight of knowing my body failed. And then, her day comes. Delaneys day, our day. The day she became a daughter and I became a mother. The day that she was placed upon my chest. The most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on, became my world. I will always share her. I will always allow for her in this time, in this space.  

To all families near and far, to all bereaved families near and far: I hold your children in my heart. The greatest of all of my accomplishments in life, becoming a mother is by far my best. I am who I am because of them. My three children and my lost bean. 

My daughter died 8 years ago in her physical form. Her life will continue to be celebrated. He name will continue to be said long after I am gone from this world. Delaney Ann Miller: Meaning: 'Angel from heaven' or 'descendant of the challenger'. I am your Mama. You are my daughter. My first born.

I have a blood clotting disorder. I had a blood infection. And this claimed your life. My body failed me. I forgive my body. And thank you for keeping your brothers safe. 

Delaney, my wish for you this year, is that you know how loved you are. That you know how missed you are. That you look down and smile knowing you are apart of us. A part of me. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mama. And sharing this space with me.

A year later

One year. It has been one year since I was clearing out my desk with the items I would need for our two weeks at home. I remember being with my coworkers thinking how crazy this was. What would it be like to be home for two weeks with my toddler twins while I work? I remember the day before Rach,and I took the day off. We went to lunch, had a few cocktails, went to a few stores in hopes we would grab the things we needed for Easter and the boy’s 4th birthday: Just in Case….

I remember the feeling of being so scared, knowing I could see my family but soon cutting that off too. The first couple of months seem like such a blur. I went from getting up and dressed like an adult like I was going in to the office. Jeans, make up, nice blouse etc. I remember dressing up for Zoom and Teams meetings. One year later and leggings are my dress pants.

Then we got to spend the boys 4th birthday with just them. We had a super fun Car Parade for them and blew kisses to our friends and family. We had a zoom Easter and waited for the Easter Bunny to do a town wide drive by. I was starting to feel the fatigue within weeks. That feeling of sadness. The feeling of needing hugs. Lots of them.

Mother’s Day was the first time we decided to “break the rules” and spend some time outside with my mom and one of my sisters. I remember the feel of those Masked hugs. The tears, the fears and the joy of seeing the boys with their big cousins. Then we went back to lockdown mode.

May 17th, a hard day for us that we usually spend with the most important people in our life came…. What was this going to be like? Our tribe showed up. Surprised us with a parade for Delaney. The people that celebrate her life with us, did. They stood outside of their cars and played the song we always play for her. We cried. We purged our emotions. Later that night I have planned a live candle lighting for her for all the people that wanted to join…. My family surprised us again and showed up in the backyard with the cupcake we had dropped off to them earlier for them to celebrate with us via Live FB.

This was the day we shifted. We, I, could no longer stay separate from them. This is when we opened our world to have our Pandemic Pod. I remember the sense of relief I had knowing that I would see some of the most I needed to. I was now months in to having the boys and working from home. Rach was still in the office. They ended up shutting down for a total of 5 weeks. And two of those were because we were exposed to Covid. 

Mid-Late June I eased up on allowing the grandparents to start helping with the kids. For all of our sakes. For all of us to have a “Sense of Normalcy”. I wish I kept track of how many times that phrase has been used by us over the past year. 

Summer. Outside. Weather. BBQs. Pool time. Park time. Hikes. Longer days. SUN. SUN. SUN. Tractors. Bikes. Bubbles. Chalk, Scooters. Walks. Beach. Anniversary Trip. 20/40 Party. Memories. Cookouts. Campfires. S’mores. Sunday Dinners. “Sense of Normalcy”

Summer was a breath of fresh air. All the things we needed. We made some amazing memories as a family. The boys learned how to ride bikes with training wheels, they were swimming without floaties (with help) We were outside and, in our backyard, more than we had been in the past few years we had lived here. It was the best part of the entire year.

 

The stress of working from home was taking its toll. Not having an escape at the end of each day. The clocking in/out was blurred but the mixing of my home office and my dining room. I moved my workspace about 8 times to try and find a comfortable area. There was talk around my company that layoffs were coming and we were all convincing each other that it wouldn’t be us.

August came. Rach and I had cancelled our 10-year anniversary trip to NOLA but did take a trip to the Cape. Three days away together. Was amazing. A much-needed breather for us both.

A few days later, I remember my friends, coworkers and I receiving an email of a mandatory meeting that we all needed to be on later that day. We weren’t all in the same one. Which of course, turned into us all freaking out. My friend Jamie came over to sit across the table from me while we took our separate calls. On her end of the line she was being told that there were changes being made but that the people on her call were safe. Looking across the table to me, as I received the news that 40+ other people on the line were being told that our positions were no longer needed, and we would be unemployed a month from then. I spent the first two weeks of that limbo month freaking out about what I would do to provide for my family. How would we get through this? So deep into the pandemic and I was just now losing my job. I was joining the millions of people looking for employment. The first time in my working career that I had lost my job. I applied to everything. And I mean everything. I didn’t care what it was if it was something. We were also waiting to hear about school for the boys.

Maybe me losing my job would be ok for a little bit with the boys not returning to school like planned. I remember the tears. Lots of them. A company I loved, a career that I worked so hard for, was gone. I remember the bitter feelings of “why me” but quickly shifted to why not me. I wasn’t untouchable. I must admit that this has now been a blessing in disguise. After 6 weeks of being unemployed, I have a new Career, with a new company that I like even more! And those 6 weeks, I was able to regain my strength as a Mama. Those months, a full half year with the boys home most of the time, took a toll. I never realized how quickly I could lose patience. But, those unemployed weeks. That was me and the boys. We had so much fun. We explored together. We did so many projects. And I started to gain self-respect back. (and all the weight I had lost the year before)

November, we had our first Covid Scare. The boys had a virus that we learned Pediatricians aren’t taking appointments and thus the first of the Miller Covid tests happened. Luckily, no Covid. The holidays we did our best to make the most out of them. My youngest sister couldn’t be with us for Thanksgiving. Our Aunt, Uncle and Cousin in NY, couldn’t come due to them having Covid. They always spend the holidays with us. It was a smaller family gathering. But our Boys kept saying “it was the best day ever”.

New year, new “Sense of Normalcy”, boys went back to school for hybrid learning. They were so excited to see other kids. They wanted so much of the school they remembered. They had grown so much over that past year. It has truly been amazing to see all the changes. Now, here we are, ONE YEAR LATER…

So, what do we do next? I must tell you, that I don’t even know. I never knew I could be a work from home person. I definitely have my struggles. I miss having co workers to banter with. GOD I MISS DRIVING TO AND FROM WORK. I miss ordering lunch with my friends and just chatting. I miss my friends. I miss not seeing all my tribe. I MISS HUGS!!!!!!!! There are so many people I can not wait to hug. Even that ones that are uncomfortable with hugs. 

We are taking the boys on our rescheduled trip to Florida next month. I AM FREAKING, but we are going. We have a private house we are staying at. We will take all the precautions we need to, but I really really NEED a new “Sense of Normalcy”.

I love you all. I miss you.