This day nine years ago I woke up to sunshine, beautiful weather and a big round, 38.5 week pregnant belly with our beautiful daughter. Every year this is the day that my body remembers what happened. Phantom aches in my arms, heaviness in my heart and a smile that creeps out when the tears show up. As the years have gone by my memories have shifted. I have learned to carry and experience so much joy, so much laughter and embrace the time that she was physically here with us.
Last week, I read an article written by a mom, it was 8 years after the passing of her son. In this article she talked about the before and after. Even on the good days, good weeks, good months… there is the before and after. It isn’t so much about who we were before anymore….it’s about who we are now. The life NOW. The after… I am always going to wonder who this amazing child would turn out to be. What is amazing is how she continues and will continue to grow with us. IN us. With our boys.
We celebrate life. All of it. Including her.
Every year, we celebrate her Birthday. We have a small intimate gathering with the people that support our journey. We play her song by Daughtry “ Gone too soon”, we sing Happy Birthday and make a wish for her. This year, her brothers had so many questions leading up to her party. They wanted to know why she died. They wanted to know what gifts she wanted for her birthday, when they get to meet her, what her favorites things are, what THEY were going to get for a gift, if she ever going to come back. Their questions are some of the most loving, genuine questions. It is so humbling to hear them. And it opens great conversation for them to understand. They love hearing about her. They love talking about her. It’s a part of their story and how they came to be.
Part of the lyrics to her song are “Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, I’m always asking why this crazy world had to lose, such a beautiful light, we never knew, gone too soon…” This part of the song gets me every time. I can answer many questions, these ones are always the ones unanswered. We will never know. I do believe she would look like Teegan, with bouncy curls. I believe she would be so much of all of us. Just like her brothers. I believe she would be the best big sister and the best friend.
It was supposed to rain yesterday, and the weather kept shifting so that the sun was shining. It was a great day filled with happiness. It was a day that our boys couldn’t wait for everyone to get here to have Sunday Family dinner. It was a day that we were happy. Even when we had a few tears shed, it was full of peace. Healing.
I am so grateful to be her Mom. I am so blessed for the time I had with her. Growing with her and learning so much about my body, about Motherhood. About Strength. Love. Joy. It is not about the grief. It is not about her death. It is about her. Delaney Ann. She made us Mothers. She gave us the strength to carry on, even in the hardest of times. It is about how we continue to love and show love. How we educate others around us.
Before we played her song yesterday, I found myself in the place between time and space.
Finding the words to thank our family that continue to say her name. That continue to show up for ALL of the things. The good and the bad. And I found myself stronger, more healed, more joyful, more grateful. We made a wish with her brothers, one whom lost two more front teeth this weekend. One that just wanted to get to the cookies. And I was thankful. Thankful for the day. Thankful for them. Thankful for the continued support and embracing the before and after.
My wish for Delaney this year, is that somewhere up there, somewhere in the stars, she sees us. She hears us. She knows how much she is deeply missed and extremely loved. That when her brothers yell out her name every time they see a white butterfly, that she’s smiles.
“Sunshine helps keep us smiling and positive” and she is forever our sunshine. Our daughter. Our girl.
