Driving to the airport going thru the mental checklist of what we could've forgotten. Of course we have everything we need for vacation we just always have something missing. Checking in at the airport, like many other routines that should be thoughtless, I get to the touch screen, (do you have a child under the age of two riding on your lap?) most people simply just hit yes or no. As a bereaved parent this hits us right in that deep hole and we stare at the screen. We want to touch the yes screen but we have to hit no. I should have a 9 month old sitting on my lap today.
We should be the mothers that other travelers look at and think "please let that child not cry the entire flight". I look at other parents in public and envy even the crying fits. Now I'm sure If my daughter lived I would have had my moments of freaking out about the public meltdowns but I didn't get that lucky. Now I look at these families with children, families with babies, and I simply ache. I look at all pregnant woman and I fear for them. I fear that they too will be one of the ones that loses their child.
I used to think pregnancy was such a blessing, such a beautiful thing, now I see it as just another way for someone to die. Morbid I know but walk in my shoes for two minutes and tell me you won't think the same thought.
I am a mother but I do not have the child to show it. I can tell my story to every Tom, Dick and Jane that ask if I have children but it's none of their damn business and honestly I don't like taking on people's pity that I don't know. I own enough peoples awkwardness. I have friends who don't even talk to me anymore. Friends that have babies, friends that have children, family, because what would they say?? I'm sorry my children lived and yours didn't? YES! Go ahead and say that to us! It will acknowledge that fact that we also have a child.
I look at babies a different way than I ever used to. I look at them and wonder what their mother did differently to keep them safe. I mean I did every single thing in my power to get this beautiful child to this ugly world for 38 weeks. I mean I didn't take my vitamins a couple times, I didn't sleep a full 8 hours a night sometimes, but I made sure to follow the books word for word on what to do.
In fact I've gone back through all the books I read and maybe I was naive to not think that the one line about still birth would be me. "A child loss after 20 weeks is called Stillbirth" Huh? Did any other mothers go through and dissect this line out of the what to expect books? I know I must have just kept reading.
I have a cousin who had her little girl Rylin 10 days before Delaney. Every single time we see a new picture of her we show each other. My cousin was so amazing as making Delaney apart of their family. Sometimes I feel like I could hug her a thousand times over just by putting Rylin in one of Delaneys outfits and even just for a second think about our daughter. My cousin and her husband are the type of parents that we would be. I mean I know we are parents but there is only so many things we can do as bereaved parents, right? They love their daughter and make sure that they tell her everyday. They will teach their daughter about the world in an open minded state and not one that is full of wonder, judgement or hate. We look at Rylin when she experiences her firsts and live vicariously through their little family of 3 humans and 2 dogs. A family just like us. A family that we aspire for with all of our being.
I hope that one day we can have a child on our lap when we go on a trip and I can select yes. I hope that one day I can look at a pregnant woman as beautiful and not a death trap. I hope that one day when the simplest thing won't bring my heart into a whirlwind of emotions. I hope that one day, when I'm comfortable in these god awful shoes I've been wearing for the past 9 months, I'll still have enough people to walk beside us and love the people that we are now. Not out of obligation but out of love.
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