Thursday, December 5, 2019


Moments in time… 
There are moments that we can replay in our minds, moments that are so vivid that it’s as if we can transport back to that time and space.
Then there are moments that disappear as if they never even happened.
Moments that we also try to forget, ones we push so deep down to try and “block”. The problem with the ones that we block from our memory is that they are still there in our subconscious. Waiting. Perhaps there they come back as a chill on our skin, a déjà vu moment. Or one of those debilitating moments that make your knees weak and make you feel like you’re going to collapse. The space where a past moment comes flooding back and takes you back to your reality.
It’s truly amazing what our minds can do to us. Mentally strong and together one minute, completely destroyed the next.
Mental Health is so truly important. However, so taboo and sheltered. BUT WHY? Why is it so hard for us to speak about? Why when it is something that is so truly important do we hide? Shouldn’t mental health follow the some serenity “prayer” for an addict trying to get their life back?
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference? Wouldn’t this help those who hurt and ache have the knowledge to push harder?
I’m stuck where I always get stuck this time of year. All year really. In my reality of this thing called life, over the past six years, six months and thirteen days. Stuck in the balancing of happiness, joy and grief.
It’s something I am aware of. This person that I am. This woman that I am. This mother that I am. This, wife, daughter, aunt, sister, friend, colleague that I am.
I am in the moment. I stay in the moment when I can. But life is also wrapped up in other moments. Moments when I see a beautiful little girl with curls, helping her younger siblings. Moments that make me smile and find envy at the same time. Looking at other families have all of their children present but always knowing that I am one who doesn’t. Knowing that WHEN, not if, but when I mention our daughter around the holidays, that someone will make one ofthose comments.
I am in the moments where my two rainbow babies are no longer babies and I yearn for more. I cling to the last of the firsts we get. I cling to the moments. The ones that I can so vividly remember of them. The joy they have. The love they have. The innocence they have.
I look back often on moments. I can see how much has changed over the years. For the most part it has been strong growth. Good moments. I cling to these more often than not. I am in a space where my mental health is something I care about now. I’ve learned that self-care is about my physical, mental, and emotional work now. I’ve learned that the baggage I carry with me is layered.
I started on a journey to become the best me because of one of these moments. A moment where I looked at a picture of myself. A woman I couldn’t recognize. I lost the person I was the day that Delaney died. I became the person that I am now every single day since. I’ve grown and changed. I have quickly come to see how many flaws I have. But I also am embracing them. I looked into the face of myself in this photo and saw a broken, shattered woman that has neglecting her own needs for years. I am slowly taking them back. I am actively working on it. Why? BECAUSE, because I accept the things I cannot change and I have the courage to change the things I can. I have the courage to lose the ‘weight’ of the world I’ve packed on literally and figuratively. I cannot change that our daughter is no longer, physically on this earth, however, she is still so very much “alive” in our home. In our family, in our heart. I am accepting that more. I allowing the comments to not affect me as much. I’m teaching so many others in a positive way instead of harping on what they say. Education is key.
When it comes to taboo topics that we choose to not discuss, we should choose education. We need to break the silence and stigmas about uncomfortable conversations. We need to make the uncomfortable space, comfortable. We need to embrace the moments. 
The good moments, the uncomfortable moments. We need to embrace life…..
Today, although still very flawed, I look in the mirror and I am starting to know this woman. I’m starting to see her. The layers that have been tucked away. Today, I am ME.
I am a work in progress. I do it for my kids, my wife, my family….and I am doing it for me.

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