Delaney 2 month birthday

Today she would be two months old if she survived... Not a minute of the day goes by that I don't think about our sweet Delaney.I do not miss her any more today then I did yesterday or any more then I will tomorrow but today is a day that I can't stop thinking about how much she would have changed within the month. How much hair would she have? How much would she look like me? Would she have dimples? Would she have chubby little legs? Would she already have Racheal wrapped around her little fingers? How often would she wake up in the middle of the night? How am I going to leave this beautiful girl when I go back to work? I hate that I don't get to hold her, kiss her,hear her first giggle, be mad at her for not letting us sleep, grow with her in her everyday life. We were robbed and will never get these moments back. Every day I still feel like I'm waiting for her to be here. I look at her room and wonder how I'm going to dismantle it with all the love that was put into it. Each thing I take down I feel a new layer of skin peeled back and my flesh feels like raw open wounds. Her room doesn't smell like baby laundry soap anymore. All her stuff is just stuff now. I hate this! I saved her coming home outfit and while I held it to stick in a box I lost it. That little outfit does not have her scent in it, it doesn't have the memories of her first pictures coming home to complete our family. All that this little outfit holds now is a failed dream. I hate how I hurt! I want my daughter here. I don't want an angel, I want her here in our arms!! I just want to breathe again and actually feel my heart beating. I wish I could hold her again, the hours that we had weren't even a fraction of what we waited for. I want to see her eyes look up at me and know my face as her mommy. I want to hear Rach read her stories in the middle of the night while I keep my eyes closed, pretending I'm asleep so I can fall in love with her just by how amazing she is as a mom to our little Delaney girl. Babies aren't supposed to just die...when is my heart going to stop bleeding? When will the constant emptiness dissipate? When will I stop feeling angry with my body for just letting her die? I want to be dressing Delaney in her two month old onsie to post pictures of how cute and lovable our baby girl is. I don't want this new life that was laid out for us. I want my old boring life back...I want myself back...I want my smile back...but most of all I want Delaney back.