I feel these layers strip away at certain points in my day. Some days I know that I'm surviving and that I can continue to breathe but some days I ask myself why I'm living and my daughter isn't. I realize that I am not nor will I ever be the same person. I didn't lose a limb that I can learn to live without, I didn't lose a loved one that I have memories I can cherish, I didn't lose my house that I can start to build again, I didn't lose something that can be replaced, I lost my child, I lost myself, I lost my dreams of a family. Some people have told me I'll be me again but I think it's said more for their benefit then my own. I realize that I do not smile the way I used to, I'm not the happy loving naive person I used to be that lived in a world with rainbows and unicorns. I am now a broken woman with a dead child that I never get to make a memory with.
12 weeks ago I delivered this beautiful little girl that had all of my heart. I, like many other women, was handed my child on my chest to hold and make my lasting memories of my first kiss of her face, but I was also only able to kiss her face for that short time. I don't get to spend my life living and breathing my child here on earth, I have to work extra hard to make it known the love I have for Delaney.
I know it must be hard to always show your children how important they are. Everyday life has so much stress, time constraints, bills that need to be paid, and many other struggles that make parenthood be overwhelming at times. These are the times that you have to talk yourself through the day...but these are the day I'll never have. Instead I have the days like today where I think to myself "how would Delaney look today? What would her smile be like? What would make her giggle? Which one of us would be more wrapped around her little finger? Would she be loving her own noises yet?
Working in retail I see so many different families all the time. This week I seen a little girl that resembled what Delaney would look like. She had the staple outfit we would have her dressed in; pig tails, converse and a tutu. My heart broke, I broke, I couldn't even hold me tears in on the sales floor. I wanted to hug her and tell her how cute she was. She loved her Mommy so much. She was such a happy girl. Would Delaney be a happy girl? Would she know she was and still is our everything?
I wanted so much! I wanted the baby photo shoots with lots of pictures, I wanted the cute birthday with fingers in the cake, I wanted the first word, i wanted the first step, I wanted her funny faces with trying new foods, I wanted her pulling the dogs tail and giving them the gross open mouth kisses, I wanted her first boat, snow mobile and 4 wheeler ride with her aunts and uncles, I wanted her little cousins to paint her nails and teach her how to read, I wanted to take off every first day of school to take pictures and scrapbook her growing up. I wanted to do her hair with all the fun ways there is out there, I wanted family days, I wanted family vacations, I wanted to have secrets with her that only we knew, I wanted to see her make friends, I wanted to see her ride a bike, I wanted to see her and Rach make the biggest mess they could making cookies for the holidays, I wanted to play Santa and watch her face light up being rewarded for being a good girl all year long. I wanted all the firsts, first book that she loved, first movie that she would watch over and over and over until we all knew every single word to it, I wanted to take long car rides and sing songs, I wanted to have cheat nights that she could stay up past her bedtime for extra cuddles and extra books, I wanted to make her smile everyday, I wanted to kiss her every night before bed and every morning when she woke up, I wanted to see what sports she liked to play, or if she wanted to do dance or theatre instead, I wanted to see her go to school dances, I wanted to watch her graduate high school, I wanted to watch her get married and tell her that no matter how old she got she would always be my little girl, I wanted to see her fall in love, I wanted to see her become a mom, I wanted everything there is to want for a child, I wanted her, I WANT HER! She is my everything.
12 weeks...84 days... How am I going to survive the rest of my life without her? How do I make the people that love me realize that I will never be the same person. Half of me died when I lost Delaney. I am half living and most days half living isn't even worth it but I continue to do it for her. I continue to live my life everyday for the past 84 days because its hopefully one day closer until I have her again...
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