I am going to start writing again. It was my outlet before whenever I needed to get thoughts out, feelings out...to just purge and well now I have lots to purge, every second of every hour of everyday for the past 7 weeks and 3 days.
Hmmm 7 weeks and 3 days already! I still feel like it was just yesterday that I was sitting in the waiting room at my 38 week appt. It feels like just yesterday I was rubbing my belly telling my daughter Delaney how much I couldn't wait to kiss her little nose but 7 weeks and 3 days ago all that changed.
I still here the crack that was made when my world broke in half. It was so quiet and loud all at the same time.
How do I tell my story and know that it really happened this way....how do I tell people my daughter is dead? Babies don't die...babies are cry, babies poop, babies eat, babies sleep, babies get oooo'd and awed but babies definitely don't die. Or so I thought. How naive I used to live. How naive I was as I read what to expect and thought the worst part about 38 weeks was lack of sleep, swollen ankles, heartburn, waddling...what I would give for those things back. What I would give for being naive again instead of living this hell... Well let me give it a try at telling "my story".
Racheal and I had finally decided to stop talking about having kids and actually make it happen. We met with a fertility Dr and learned it wasn't just as easy as buying sperm and getting injected, along with doing lots of blood tests, tubal exam, pelvic exams, ovulation monitoring etc WE needed to be healthy and 100% mentally and emotionally ready. So we spent the next year doing just that, getting everything to where it needed to be, all my testing done and heads totally in it. We decided to pick our donor and how easily that was. We both picked our top 3 choices using a very strict criteria. All we wanted was our baby to look like the two of us. We had 2 of the very same donors out of 184 that fell into our criteria choice. It was destined that we had the right donor picked. And so there is was in September of 2012 we had a positive pregnancy!!! Could it be!!! We were pregnant!!!
In October I was throwing up daily and like crazy...well there is that morning sickness. Little did I know that November 4th I would end up in the ER with severe dehydration due to throwing up 26 times. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravendaruim...say what? We had to of course look this up to learn in English what it meant outside of the medical terminology. So it looked like maybe after going on Zofran I'd be able to eat some food and still vomit at least 4 times a day...little did I know December 4th there I would be hooked up to those damn IV's again.
My baby was growing into such a little spunky girl. She was always moving around, always making me smile even while in agony. This sickness continued and how I tried not to complain, not to be upset that I was missing out on things. Missing out on work, missing out on quality time with family and friends, missing my sister in laws wedding. But the Dr's kept saying " don't worry Sasha... The sicker the Mom the Healthier the baby" so I just dealt with it.
Finally in Early March I started truly enjoying being pregnant. Holding my belly every chance I got. I was rarely sick anymore. She was responding more and more to our voices. The nursery was coming together, we were getting ready for our showers, all the fun stuff was happening.
Then something changed....on On my 37 weeks appt on May 10th I told one of our OBs that I was sick all over again (after 6 weeks of Almost no puking) and that I didn't like the decreased movement that Delaney was having. She told me she was head down in my pelvis and ready to come any day now, she had a heartbeat and not to worry. One week later on my 38 week appt May 16th, I had lost 8 pounds since the prior week and I told the nurse practitioner I didn't like the decrease in movement or how the OB made me feel when I tried to ask her the wk prior. She asked me if she monitored me and seemed alarmed when I told her that she only listened to the HB on the Doppler. So she tried to pull up my sweet daughter and didn't find a HB, after an ultrasound we found that our between little girl was gone. How did this happen? Babies aren't supposed to die! I then started induction and 27 hours later gave birth to Delaney 5 pounds 9 ounces 19 1/2 inches long. Right after i delivered we got to hold her for a couple hours and our families got to hold her and say their goodbyes. i went into critical condition and my Bp went up to 189/111. The Dr's thru me on my left side and pumped me full of magnesium to stop me from stroking out and dying. My wife was watching in fear, trying to hold her eyes open after days of no sleep, living a nightmare, afraid she was losing me right after we had to say goodbye to our Delaney.
So now 7 weeks and 3 days later I sit here and I replay every minute of this new life and nothing seems the same. Everything keeps moving around me, the days are changing but my life is standing still. This new life of grief is a full time job. This new life of grief is a terrible journey that the me 7 weeks and 4 days ago had no idea that such a thing existed.
sakoh1113@gmail.com
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