Friday, August 22, 2014

Starting over. Again

Starting over. What does that even mean? How does the words "starting over" sound like the biggest and scariest words I've ever heard (next to the words, there is no heartbeat)

Starting over.... Using this context in perhaps a directional sense wouldn't be too scary. Using this context in the possibility of rekindling a friendship may not be too scary. Using this context on reaching a specific goal, school, work, etc again maybe not too scary. However using the phrase "starting over" in trying to conceive after the loss of a child almost sounds like a foreign language that even the best of Rosetta Stone can not help you learn.

We all have one life and some of us are learning how to live it day by day, some of us can only live in the past, some of us can only dream of the future and lose sight of anything present. Some of us are bereaved parents and we are living in the minute because the life we knew completely stopped and we started living a different life the very second our child died.

Starting over. Two words. 12 letters. Deep breath. Starting over.

We want so bad for our daughter, our first born. We want Delaney here with us to hug, hold, watch grow, smother with kisses, teach, parent, love. We want to cross on the wall her growth and date it. We want Delaney to watch a little brother or sister to grow up. We want Delaney to help us show a child how many things in life are possible with love. We don't want to know the fear that starting over has brought.

We know many people will think a second child will heal the loss of our first born but in the starting over it has left a sad an empty truth.... Delaney isn't here on earth. She isn't growing. We aren't parenting her. We aren't etching the growth chart in the doorway and making memories. We can't do those things. She isn't here.

Delaney gave us the courage to try again. But in doing so we have learned more things about ourselves as well as how we now need to grow our family.

In the past few months I have gone through countless tests on what it will take to deliver another child. We have had to have a Psych evaluation to tell us if we should be parents (even though they know about Delaney). We finally have a cause of death for our sweet girl. I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V lieden which caused an infection in my blood that went into the placenta and resulted in my baby girl not getting the nutrients she needed. Although this may be a scary thing to have the team of Drs we built felt confident that I could conceive and that they would do everything they could for me and another child.

So here we were with a plan. A course of action. We thought. After months of iui's again and months of negative pregnancies and now having no more sperm we have decided to stop trying. It is so hard physically and emotionally each month to have the not pregnant line show up.

Although this isn't the way we wanted to have our family, it looks as though adoption is going to be our next move in starting over. There are so many children in this world that need a family and we have so much love to give.

Life never turns out the way we plan it, but never let this defeat you. Grow, evolve, push forward through all the storms and find the rainbow on the other end.

Delaney is our child. I grew her. I birthed her. We love her. She will protect us and help us get through this life.

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