Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Delaney 2 month birthday
Today she would be two months old if she survived... Not a minute of the day goes by that I don't think about our sweet Delaney.I do not miss her any more today then I did yesterday or any more then I will tomorrow but today is a day that I can't stop thinking about how much she would have changed within the month. How much hair would she have? How much would she look like me? Would she have dimples? Would she have chubby little legs? Would she already have Racheal wrapped around her little fingers? How often would she wake up in the middle of the night? How am I going to leave this beautiful girl when I go back to work? I hate that I don't get to hold her, kiss her,hear her first giggle, be mad at her for not letting us sleep, grow with her in her everyday life. We were robbed and will never get these moments back. Every day I still feel like I'm waiting for her to be here. I look at her room and wonder how I'm going to dismantle it with all the love that was put into it. Each thing I take down I feel a new layer of skin peeled back and my flesh feels like raw open wounds. Her room doesn't smell like baby laundry soap anymore. All her stuff is just stuff now. I hate this! I saved her coming home outfit and while I held it to stick in a box I lost it. That little outfit does not have her scent in it, it doesn't have the memories of her first pictures coming home to complete our family. All that this little outfit holds now is a failed dream. I hate how I hurt! I want my daughter here. I don't want an angel, I want her here in our arms!! I just want to breathe again and actually feel my heart beating. I wish I could hold her again, the hours that we had weren't even a fraction of what we waited for. I want to see her eyes look up at me and know my face as her mommy. I want to hear Rach read her stories in the middle of the night while I keep my eyes closed, pretending I'm asleep so I can fall in love with her just by how amazing she is as a mom to our little Delaney girl. Babies aren't supposed to just die...when is my heart going to stop bleeding? When will the constant emptiness dissipate? When will I stop feeling angry with my body for just letting her die? I want to be dressing Delaney in her two month old onsie to post pictures of how cute and lovable our baby girl is. I don't want this new life that was laid out for us. I want my old boring life back...I want myself back...I want my smile back...but most of all I want Delaney back.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
getting on the bike
Grief. Why is there the expression "good grief" what about grief is good? I hate everything about it.... Don't get me wrong we need to grieve, it's the natural reaction to have grief when losing something. Humans and animals both know what grief is. No one grieves the same, no one person has the same "definition" of grief. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. There is no manual of the step you have to take. Grief comes in different forms...it can be sadness, tears, anger, frustration, self pity, depression, hiding etc. I can't tell someone to go through the grief process the way that I am and no one can tell me how I'm supposed to be going through it. Grieving sucks! However avoiding the process of grieving is even worse. We've been told that if we do not handle grief then grief will handle us. Some people think it's awful that I'm still grieving. Yes I am and guess what, ill grieve everyday for the rest of my new life. Grief is a full time job. You may not ever know when someone is going through it because grief is as quiet or as loud as people let it be.
Hmmmm lets see how many times I've said grief in the paragraph...now multiple that by say...a billion....that's how many times in a day the feelings or thoughts of grieving go through my mind. I've been told that people miss my smile, I've been told ill get through this but right now I can't smile. And if I do well it's about 75% fake. I can't do fake. I won't do fake. I can not hide the pain that lives inside of me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, always have. So my broken heart is now on my sleeve and the people in my life have had to see my pain. The pain is in my eyes, the pain is in my breath, the pain is in my voice, the pain is in my thoughts. The pain and grieving is all I seem to know right now and I will not sugar coat that for anyone.
I feel like a child learning how to ride a bike for the first time. This bike is on a very rocky road with lots of potholes. I keep falling off the bike and I am covered in all these bruises. Every morning I get up and back on the bike to see how far I can get today. Some days ,in the past 7 weeks and 5 days, I get a bit further, where some days I can barely turn the peddles. I am so raw. I am so broken. I know that I will learn to cope, I will learn to live again, and maybe one day ill peddle down a new road. A road that may have a lot less bumps, a lot less rocks. A road that has sunshine and rainbows. A road that leads me to a happy place.
In our support group we talk over and over about self preservation. This is something I've never known. I have always been the care taker in my life. I tend to always think about myself last and everyone else before me. I am learning to take care of me, myself and I right now. This may come off as selfish, this may make people who don't know what we have gone through think that I'm a bitch, this may make friends and family give up on me but I don't care. I can't care. Because if I care I won't be taking care of me. I need to survive this grief. I need to get on my bike every morning and see how far down the road I can make it. At the end of each night when I speak to my beautiful Delaney I want to be able to say " today I made it again, I did it for you baby girl, I pushed on" and when I say it I need for it to be real. I need to know I've done everything in that day that I can to self preserve and take care of myself through this grieving process of a mother that lost her biggest dreams.
Hmmmm lets see how many times I've said grief in the paragraph...now multiple that by say...a billion....that's how many times in a day the feelings or thoughts of grieving go through my mind. I've been told that people miss my smile, I've been told ill get through this but right now I can't smile. And if I do well it's about 75% fake. I can't do fake. I won't do fake. I can not hide the pain that lives inside of me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, always have. So my broken heart is now on my sleeve and the people in my life have had to see my pain. The pain is in my eyes, the pain is in my breath, the pain is in my voice, the pain is in my thoughts. The pain and grieving is all I seem to know right now and I will not sugar coat that for anyone.
I feel like a child learning how to ride a bike for the first time. This bike is on a very rocky road with lots of potholes. I keep falling off the bike and I am covered in all these bruises. Every morning I get up and back on the bike to see how far I can get today. Some days ,in the past 7 weeks and 5 days, I get a bit further, where some days I can barely turn the peddles. I am so raw. I am so broken. I know that I will learn to cope, I will learn to live again, and maybe one day ill peddle down a new road. A road that may have a lot less bumps, a lot less rocks. A road that has sunshine and rainbows. A road that leads me to a happy place.
In our support group we talk over and over about self preservation. This is something I've never known. I have always been the care taker in my life. I tend to always think about myself last and everyone else before me. I am learning to take care of me, myself and I right now. This may come off as selfish, this may make people who don't know what we have gone through think that I'm a bitch, this may make friends and family give up on me but I don't care. I can't care. Because if I care I won't be taking care of me. I need to survive this grief. I need to get on my bike every morning and see how far down the road I can make it. At the end of each night when I speak to my beautiful Delaney I want to be able to say " today I made it again, I did it for you baby girl, I pushed on" and when I say it I need for it to be real. I need to know I've done everything in that day that I can to self preserve and take care of myself through this grieving process of a mother that lost her biggest dreams.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Letter to Delaney
Dearest Delaney Ann-
Mommy doesn't even know where to start. I wake up every morning baby girl and I hold your blankie in my arms. It doesn't smell like you anymore which makes mommy so sad. I hurt inside knowing that it will never smell like you again.
I have been starting to go thru your nursery and see what I can give to other babies. Mommy isn't doing this to erase you. Part of me is doing it in hopes that I will see other babies in your beautiful things and part of me hopes that it will make other mommies think of you when using your things.
I've been looking at the things I couldn't wait to see you in, the toys i couldn't wait for you to play with and your mobile that sings songs. I held your first stuffed animal that your Uncle Ant gave to you and cried until my eyes felt as though they could bleed. I know you don't want mommy to cry baby girl but mommies arms ache so bad to hold you again that I just can't hold these tears in.
I have held a couple of babies Delaney. I wasn't ready yet but I did it for you. I didn't want you to be upset with how sad mommy is. I hope that you know the reason I am so sad is because I don't have you here with me. See Delaney, you are the best thing that mommy had ever done. You are the one thing that mommy is most proud of. I have learned so much from you. I have learned what love is...don't get me wrong I love your other mommy to the moon and back but what I feel for you outweighs even that kind of love.
Your Auntie Chelsi and your Grandmama used to try to tell me that I won't know what a mothers love is like until I have my own baby and let me tell you they are so right! Your cousins are mad at me Delaney. I know they are only 5 and 4 but they think I lied to them and they made sure I knew it. Areyah told me I promised her I would have you the next time we saw them and she said it isn't fair that god took you away when she wanted you to be her cousin instead. I tried to explain it to her baby girl. I tried to tell her we didn't get to make this choice.
Oh my sweet Delaney, how much I think of you...everyday I wonder how much you would've changed. I can't believe in a week it will be your two month birthday on the 17th. I feel like time is standing still for me but moving on for everyone else. I hope you know that mommies will never forget you. We will never let you be forgotten amongst our families either sweetheart.
Keep watching down on mommies and ill see you in my dreams tonight.
Love always,
Mommy and Momma
Mommy doesn't even know where to start. I wake up every morning baby girl and I hold your blankie in my arms. It doesn't smell like you anymore which makes mommy so sad. I hurt inside knowing that it will never smell like you again.
I have been starting to go thru your nursery and see what I can give to other babies. Mommy isn't doing this to erase you. Part of me is doing it in hopes that I will see other babies in your beautiful things and part of me hopes that it will make other mommies think of you when using your things.
I've been looking at the things I couldn't wait to see you in, the toys i couldn't wait for you to play with and your mobile that sings songs. I held your first stuffed animal that your Uncle Ant gave to you and cried until my eyes felt as though they could bleed. I know you don't want mommy to cry baby girl but mommies arms ache so bad to hold you again that I just can't hold these tears in.
I have held a couple of babies Delaney. I wasn't ready yet but I did it for you. I didn't want you to be upset with how sad mommy is. I hope that you know the reason I am so sad is because I don't have you here with me. See Delaney, you are the best thing that mommy had ever done. You are the one thing that mommy is most proud of. I have learned so much from you. I have learned what love is...don't get me wrong I love your other mommy to the moon and back but what I feel for you outweighs even that kind of love.
Your Auntie Chelsi and your Grandmama used to try to tell me that I won't know what a mothers love is like until I have my own baby and let me tell you they are so right! Your cousins are mad at me Delaney. I know they are only 5 and 4 but they think I lied to them and they made sure I knew it. Areyah told me I promised her I would have you the next time we saw them and she said it isn't fair that god took you away when she wanted you to be her cousin instead. I tried to explain it to her baby girl. I tried to tell her we didn't get to make this choice.
Oh my sweet Delaney, how much I think of you...everyday I wonder how much you would've changed. I can't believe in a week it will be your two month birthday on the 17th. I feel like time is standing still for me but moving on for everyone else. I hope you know that mommies will never forget you. We will never let you be forgotten amongst our families either sweetheart.
Keep watching down on mommies and ill see you in my dreams tonight.
Love always,
Mommy and Momma
New life...standing still
I am going to start writing again. It was my outlet before whenever I needed to get thoughts out, feelings out...to just purge and well now I have lots to purge, every second of every hour of everyday for the past 7 weeks and 3 days.
Hmmm 7 weeks and 3 days already! I still feel like it was just yesterday that I was sitting in the waiting room at my 38 week appt. It feels like just yesterday I was rubbing my belly telling my daughter Delaney how much I couldn't wait to kiss her little nose but 7 weeks and 3 days ago all that changed.
I still here the crack that was made when my world broke in half. It was so quiet and loud all at the same time.
How do I tell my story and know that it really happened this way....how do I tell people my daughter is dead? Babies don't die...babies are cry, babies poop, babies eat, babies sleep, babies get oooo'd and awed but babies definitely don't die. Or so I thought. How naive I used to live. How naive I was as I read what to expect and thought the worst part about 38 weeks was lack of sleep, swollen ankles, heartburn, waddling...what I would give for those things back. What I would give for being naive again instead of living this hell... Well let me give it a try at telling "my story".
Racheal and I had finally decided to stop talking about having kids and actually make it happen. We met with a fertility Dr and learned it wasn't just as easy as buying sperm and getting injected, along with doing lots of blood tests, tubal exam, pelvic exams, ovulation monitoring etc WE needed to be healthy and 100% mentally and emotionally ready. So we spent the next year doing just that, getting everything to where it needed to be, all my testing done and heads totally in it. We decided to pick our donor and how easily that was. We both picked our top 3 choices using a very strict criteria. All we wanted was our baby to look like the two of us. We had 2 of the very same donors out of 184 that fell into our criteria choice. It was destined that we had the right donor picked. And so there is was in September of 2012 we had a positive pregnancy!!! Could it be!!! We were pregnant!!!
In October I was throwing up daily and like crazy...well there is that morning sickness. Little did I know that November 4th I would end up in the ER with severe dehydration due to throwing up 26 times. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravendaruim...say what? We had to of course look this up to learn in English what it meant outside of the medical terminology. So it looked like maybe after going on Zofran I'd be able to eat some food and still vomit at least 4 times a day...little did I know December 4th there I would be hooked up to those damn IV's again.
My baby was growing into such a little spunky girl. She was always moving around, always making me smile even while in agony. This sickness continued and how I tried not to complain, not to be upset that I was missing out on things. Missing out on work, missing out on quality time with family and friends, missing my sister in laws wedding. But the Dr's kept saying " don't worry Sasha... The sicker the Mom the Healthier the baby" so I just dealt with it.
Finally in Early March I started truly enjoying being pregnant. Holding my belly every chance I got. I was rarely sick anymore. She was responding more and more to our voices. The nursery was coming together, we were getting ready for our showers, all the fun stuff was happening.
Then something changed....on On my 37 weeks appt on May 10th I told one of our OBs that I was sick all over again (after 6 weeks of Almost no puking) and that I didn't like the decreased movement that Delaney was having. She told me she was head down in my pelvis and ready to come any day now, she had a heartbeat and not to worry. One week later on my 38 week appt May 16th, I had lost 8 pounds since the prior week and I told the nurse practitioner I didn't like the decrease in movement or how the OB made me feel when I tried to ask her the wk prior. She asked me if she monitored me and seemed alarmed when I told her that she only listened to the HB on the Doppler. So she tried to pull up my sweet daughter and didn't find a HB, after an ultrasound we found that our between little girl was gone. How did this happen? Babies aren't supposed to die! I then started induction and 27 hours later gave birth to Delaney 5 pounds 9 ounces 19 1/2 inches long. Right after i delivered we got to hold her for a couple hours and our families got to hold her and say their goodbyes. i went into critical condition and my Bp went up to 189/111. The Dr's thru me on my left side and pumped me full of magnesium to stop me from stroking out and dying. My wife was watching in fear, trying to hold her eyes open after days of no sleep, living a nightmare, afraid she was losing me right after we had to say goodbye to our Delaney.
So now 7 weeks and 3 days later I sit here and I replay every minute of this new life and nothing seems the same. Everything keeps moving around me, the days are changing but my life is standing still. This new life of grief is a full time job. This new life of grief is a terrible journey that the me 7 weeks and 4 days ago had no idea that such a thing existed.
sakoh1113@gmail.com
Hmmm 7 weeks and 3 days already! I still feel like it was just yesterday that I was sitting in the waiting room at my 38 week appt. It feels like just yesterday I was rubbing my belly telling my daughter Delaney how much I couldn't wait to kiss her little nose but 7 weeks and 3 days ago all that changed.
I still here the crack that was made when my world broke in half. It was so quiet and loud all at the same time.
How do I tell my story and know that it really happened this way....how do I tell people my daughter is dead? Babies don't die...babies are cry, babies poop, babies eat, babies sleep, babies get oooo'd and awed but babies definitely don't die. Or so I thought. How naive I used to live. How naive I was as I read what to expect and thought the worst part about 38 weeks was lack of sleep, swollen ankles, heartburn, waddling...what I would give for those things back. What I would give for being naive again instead of living this hell... Well let me give it a try at telling "my story".
Racheal and I had finally decided to stop talking about having kids and actually make it happen. We met with a fertility Dr and learned it wasn't just as easy as buying sperm and getting injected, along with doing lots of blood tests, tubal exam, pelvic exams, ovulation monitoring etc WE needed to be healthy and 100% mentally and emotionally ready. So we spent the next year doing just that, getting everything to where it needed to be, all my testing done and heads totally in it. We decided to pick our donor and how easily that was. We both picked our top 3 choices using a very strict criteria. All we wanted was our baby to look like the two of us. We had 2 of the very same donors out of 184 that fell into our criteria choice. It was destined that we had the right donor picked. And so there is was in September of 2012 we had a positive pregnancy!!! Could it be!!! We were pregnant!!!
In October I was throwing up daily and like crazy...well there is that morning sickness. Little did I know that November 4th I would end up in the ER with severe dehydration due to throwing up 26 times. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravendaruim...say what? We had to of course look this up to learn in English what it meant outside of the medical terminology. So it looked like maybe after going on Zofran I'd be able to eat some food and still vomit at least 4 times a day...little did I know December 4th there I would be hooked up to those damn IV's again.
My baby was growing into such a little spunky girl. She was always moving around, always making me smile even while in agony. This sickness continued and how I tried not to complain, not to be upset that I was missing out on things. Missing out on work, missing out on quality time with family and friends, missing my sister in laws wedding. But the Dr's kept saying " don't worry Sasha... The sicker the Mom the Healthier the baby" so I just dealt with it.
Finally in Early March I started truly enjoying being pregnant. Holding my belly every chance I got. I was rarely sick anymore. She was responding more and more to our voices. The nursery was coming together, we were getting ready for our showers, all the fun stuff was happening.
Then something changed....on On my 37 weeks appt on May 10th I told one of our OBs that I was sick all over again (after 6 weeks of Almost no puking) and that I didn't like the decreased movement that Delaney was having. She told me she was head down in my pelvis and ready to come any day now, she had a heartbeat and not to worry. One week later on my 38 week appt May 16th, I had lost 8 pounds since the prior week and I told the nurse practitioner I didn't like the decrease in movement or how the OB made me feel when I tried to ask her the wk prior. She asked me if she monitored me and seemed alarmed when I told her that she only listened to the HB on the Doppler. So she tried to pull up my sweet daughter and didn't find a HB, after an ultrasound we found that our between little girl was gone. How did this happen? Babies aren't supposed to die! I then started induction and 27 hours later gave birth to Delaney 5 pounds 9 ounces 19 1/2 inches long. Right after i delivered we got to hold her for a couple hours and our families got to hold her and say their goodbyes. i went into critical condition and my Bp went up to 189/111. The Dr's thru me on my left side and pumped me full of magnesium to stop me from stroking out and dying. My wife was watching in fear, trying to hold her eyes open after days of no sleep, living a nightmare, afraid she was losing me right after we had to say goodbye to our Delaney.
So now 7 weeks and 3 days later I sit here and I replay every minute of this new life and nothing seems the same. Everything keeps moving around me, the days are changing but my life is standing still. This new life of grief is a full time job. This new life of grief is a terrible journey that the me 7 weeks and 4 days ago had no idea that such a thing existed.
sakoh1113@gmail.com
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