Five months ago I heard the worst four words of my life..." There is no heartbeat" There is no way to prepare on how to be a bereaved parent. There is no how to manual or fix it manual on how to start breathing again. The reality of child loss compared to the thinking of what child loss could feel like are no comparison at all.
I did what I could have to make sure Delaney was a healthy happy baby. I read the how to book, I ate the right things, went to all the dr appts, drank tons of fluids, rested, etc....all while I battled hyperemisis for 7 months straight. I didn't cheat! No coffee, no sushi, no deli meats, nothing that could harm her. I even dealt with not taking the Zofran to stop puking 27 times in a day because I was afraid the drs might be wrong that it was a safe drug. So why full term at my weekly appt just to check on dilation and normal routine things did my world crack in half?
Five months ago I lost my daughter.... I lost my dreams... I lost the Sasha that so many loved.
People have always told me what a happy, bubbly, loving, selfless, strong person I am. The hard part of that, is that most of the people in my life have no idea about the life I have lived. The struggles I have overcome. Even with those struggles, nothing compares to losing a child.
So now I've decided at my rawest, at my weakest (or strongest however you look at it) I'm going to share with you some of my life....
Growing up my mother has always been my best friend, my support, my cheer leader. To this day that still remains. It hurts her to see me as a grieving parent because she knows all of my skeletons. I have always been the same for her. I watched her since I was a small child, try to provide for her children. She was in a terrible marriage with a man that cared more about drinking then his family. I watched her fight for money to try and pay so our electric wouldn't keep getting shut off. To be able to feed us. I watched her cry because she always felt alone. I was never close to my father, I was always "Debbie junior" to him. He never tried at a relationship with me because I was too much like my mom.
When high school came around lots of things changed. So many things I grew through. My father came home one day so trashed but I didn't hide from him because he actually wanted to talk to me as his daughter. Little did I know that he would be telling me of his new girlfriend and that he was leaving us. He packed up garbage bags and left before my mother got home leaving me to do his dirty work.... Of course I cut ties with him at this point.
I shattered her world that day... I watched my mother slip into a depression and immediately stepped up to be the man of the house an help raise my little sister...why not I was 15 and all. It was a blessing in disguise that he left because my mother needed to hit rock bottom for the drs to find a brain tumor bigger then a grape fruit that was killing her. She had a 50/50 chance of surviving. My mother is a fighter. She couldn't see or hear for a little while. She has no feeling on the right side of her face to this day but my mother is still here and she is still my rock.
15 was a tough year for me.... But 16 even worse. I came out of the closet and lost most of my friends. I mean come on, being a lesbian in high school is like having a bad case of herpes on your mouth... Don't come close to scary lesbian, you might catch the gay. Not long after I came out did a guy in high school take it upon himself to rape me. He sure did teach me what a real man was like. My brother away in army, no father and a depressed mother....guess ill deal with that alone. Toughen up that skin girl you have to strong. You have a mother and sister to take care of. I was bullied and beat down in high school. I would have "DYKE" written in my locker. I would have apples thrown at me, milk poured on me, I would get hit with lunch trays. I hated going to school. This is where I came in contact with drugs. They were a feel good place for me. A place that there was no sadness. A place where I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and a smile would come across my face. And the beat drops and the beat drops...boom boom goes the bass.
I woke up!
I did not like the drug scene. It was a scary place and luckily I was able to escape it before I let it run my life. I could have stayed there and blamed my addiction on my bad luck so far in life, instead I said " Sasha, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
I moved to MA and my luck seemed to be ok for a bit. I made new friends, ones that didn't care that I was gay. I found a career, one that I love still to this day. I found love and will spend my whole life showing her she's my world. I moved around and saw so much that I wanted to at a young age. I was hopeful that I would continue to find happiness. Now of course in this time there has always been little struggles and little lessons, those don't define me, they have just taught me who I am.
I've always been the type of girl to get along with everyone. The type of girl to wear my heart on my sleeve. The type of girl to always put others firsts, even if they have hurt me. I speak my mind. I am caring. I am loyal. I always have your back.
Five months ago my life was hit with the worst thing ill ever go through. I lost my child. Since then I've lost my father yet again. I've lost multiple friendships. I've lost family. I've changed jobs. We bought a house. We've cried, we've smiled. We are surviving. There are days easier then others. I don't need to show people I'm ok. I don't need to own peoples awkwardness that I want to talk about my daughter. Babies die! People die! We all at some point die! Do you want to be forgotten? Or do you want your loved ones to talk about you still? I don't even care about all the wrong we still go through or the past that has helped make me. In fact I am told how strong I am....from today on....here's my proof!!!!
Thinking of my Delaney girl everyday...my daughter, my angel 5/17/13- forever
I did what I could have to make sure Delaney was a healthy happy baby. I read the how to book, I ate the right things, went to all the dr appts, drank tons of fluids, rested, etc....all while I battled hyperemisis for 7 months straight. I didn't cheat! No coffee, no sushi, no deli meats, nothing that could harm her. I even dealt with not taking the Zofran to stop puking 27 times in a day because I was afraid the drs might be wrong that it was a safe drug. So why full term at my weekly appt just to check on dilation and normal routine things did my world crack in half?
Five months ago I lost my daughter.... I lost my dreams... I lost the Sasha that so many loved.
People have always told me what a happy, bubbly, loving, selfless, strong person I am. The hard part of that, is that most of the people in my life have no idea about the life I have lived. The struggles I have overcome. Even with those struggles, nothing compares to losing a child.
So now I've decided at my rawest, at my weakest (or strongest however you look at it) I'm going to share with you some of my life....
Growing up my mother has always been my best friend, my support, my cheer leader. To this day that still remains. It hurts her to see me as a grieving parent because she knows all of my skeletons. I have always been the same for her. I watched her since I was a small child, try to provide for her children. She was in a terrible marriage with a man that cared more about drinking then his family. I watched her fight for money to try and pay so our electric wouldn't keep getting shut off. To be able to feed us. I watched her cry because she always felt alone. I was never close to my father, I was always "Debbie junior" to him. He never tried at a relationship with me because I was too much like my mom.
When high school came around lots of things changed. So many things I grew through. My father came home one day so trashed but I didn't hide from him because he actually wanted to talk to me as his daughter. Little did I know that he would be telling me of his new girlfriend and that he was leaving us. He packed up garbage bags and left before my mother got home leaving me to do his dirty work.... Of course I cut ties with him at this point.
I shattered her world that day... I watched my mother slip into a depression and immediately stepped up to be the man of the house an help raise my little sister...why not I was 15 and all. It was a blessing in disguise that he left because my mother needed to hit rock bottom for the drs to find a brain tumor bigger then a grape fruit that was killing her. She had a 50/50 chance of surviving. My mother is a fighter. She couldn't see or hear for a little while. She has no feeling on the right side of her face to this day but my mother is still here and she is still my rock.
15 was a tough year for me.... But 16 even worse. I came out of the closet and lost most of my friends. I mean come on, being a lesbian in high school is like having a bad case of herpes on your mouth... Don't come close to scary lesbian, you might catch the gay. Not long after I came out did a guy in high school take it upon himself to rape me. He sure did teach me what a real man was like. My brother away in army, no father and a depressed mother....guess ill deal with that alone. Toughen up that skin girl you have to strong. You have a mother and sister to take care of. I was bullied and beat down in high school. I would have "DYKE" written in my locker. I would have apples thrown at me, milk poured on me, I would get hit with lunch trays. I hated going to school. This is where I came in contact with drugs. They were a feel good place for me. A place that there was no sadness. A place where I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and a smile would come across my face. And the beat drops and the beat drops...boom boom goes the bass.
I woke up!
I did not like the drug scene. It was a scary place and luckily I was able to escape it before I let it run my life. I could have stayed there and blamed my addiction on my bad luck so far in life, instead I said " Sasha, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
I moved to MA and my luck seemed to be ok for a bit. I made new friends, ones that didn't care that I was gay. I found a career, one that I love still to this day. I found love and will spend my whole life showing her she's my world. I moved around and saw so much that I wanted to at a young age. I was hopeful that I would continue to find happiness. Now of course in this time there has always been little struggles and little lessons, those don't define me, they have just taught me who I am.
I've always been the type of girl to get along with everyone. The type of girl to wear my heart on my sleeve. The type of girl to always put others firsts, even if they have hurt me. I speak my mind. I am caring. I am loyal. I always have your back.
Five months ago my life was hit with the worst thing ill ever go through. I lost my child. Since then I've lost my father yet again. I've lost multiple friendships. I've lost family. I've changed jobs. We bought a house. We've cried, we've smiled. We are surviving. There are days easier then others. I don't need to show people I'm ok. I don't need to own peoples awkwardness that I want to talk about my daughter. Babies die! People die! We all at some point die! Do you want to be forgotten? Or do you want your loved ones to talk about you still? I don't even care about all the wrong we still go through or the past that has helped make me. In fact I am told how strong I am....from today on....here's my proof!!!!
Thinking of my Delaney girl everyday...my daughter, my angel 5/17/13- forever
