9 months...

9 months... Today you would look so
different. You would have crazy hair. You would have teeth. You would've crawled. You would've maybe said your first word. Maybe you would be learning how to walk. You would've pooped and peed on both of your mommies. I'm sure Tucker would've found that he can lick you without you making him stop. I'm sure Zucchini would've become mother Hubbard and not left your side during nap time. By now we may have gotten used to a routine of how things should go. We would know how long it actually takes to get ready to head out the door with a baby in tow. We would be learning what foods you like and capturing each new moment on film. We would be starting the story of your life.

Today we would have dressed you in your 9 month onsie. Today we would have taken a billion pictures of you to show how much you have changed. Today you would be bragged about because you would be getting so big. Today we should be telling you to slow down and stay a baby.

I would give anything for today to be the way it should be.

Instead of loving up every moment, today on your 9 month birthday, we approach yet another month without you. Today we struggle to figure out today and tomorrow. We have learned who will say your name. We have learned who cares that you existed. To some people baby loss shouldn't be a big deal. To us, to your mothers... You are our life. Delaney Ann Miller, today on your 9 month birthday we love you more then we ever knew that we could love. We have never stopped nor will we ever.

My wish for other bereaved parents is that they find peace and comfort in loving their child. My wish for baby loss families is that they find people who care enough to say their child's name and who will listen their story. My wish for family and friends of bereaved parents is that they don't give up on us. That they will be there through the journey. My wish for the ignorant friends and family that walked away from these bereaved parents is that they never have to endure the type if pain we feel.

I read a poem, like many others that I have found, that have been so helpful and eye opening.

"We Remember Them…

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember them;

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We remember them;

In the opening of buds and in the warmth of summer,
We remember them;

In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn,
We remember them;

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember them;

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember them;

When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember them;

When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember them;

So long as we live, they too shall live
For they are now a part of us as
We remember them."
-Judaism Prayerbook

We remember you,Delaney! We remember from the start of creating your life what it would mean to be your parents. We remember you from the first pregnancy test that we found out you existed. We remember you from the first time we told our friends and family you were coming. We remember you from the first time we felt you move. We remember you from the first time I sang to you in my belly. We remember you from the first time Mommy read to you and you recognized her voice in my belly. We remember you from the time we found out you were a girl and named you. We remember you when we decorated your nursery with all the love in our hearts. We remember you every time we spoke your name in my womb. We remember you when we saw your face for the first time. We remember you when we held you in our arms. We remember you when we had to say goodbye. We remember you when we picked up your ashes to take you home. We remember you with every single beat of our hearts. We remember you with every breath we take. We remember you everyday.

Today you would be a 9 month old baby. Today you are your mothers reason for living. Today you are our strength to carry on. Today, my sweet beautiful baby girl, you give me my voice.

Today and every other day for the rest of my life....
You
Are
Our
Daughter

Delaney Ann Miller
Born 5/17/14
Her memory will live forever

The little things in this path...

Driving to the airport going thru the mental checklist of what we could've forgotten. Of course we have everything we need for vacation we just always have something missing. Checking in at the airport, like many other routines that should be thoughtless, I get to the touch screen, (do you have a child under the age of two riding on your lap?) most people simply just hit yes or no. As a bereaved parent this hits us right in that deep hole and we stare at the screen. We want to touch the yes screen but we have to hit no. I should have a 9 month old sitting on my lap today.

We should be the mothers that other travelers look at and think "please let that child not cry the entire flight". I look at other parents in public and envy even the crying fits. Now I'm sure If my daughter lived I would have had my moments of freaking out about the public meltdowns but I didn't get that lucky. Now I look at these families with children, families with babies, and I simply ache. I look at all pregnant woman and I fear for them. I fear that they too will be one of the ones that loses their child.

I used to think pregnancy was such a blessing, such a beautiful thing, now I see it as just another way for someone to die. Morbid I know but walk in my shoes for two minutes and tell me you won't think the same thought.

I am a mother but I do not have the child to show it. I can tell my story to every Tom, Dick and Jane that ask if I have children but it's none of their damn business and honestly I don't like taking on people's pity that I don't know. I own enough peoples awkwardness. I have friends who don't even talk to me anymore. Friends that have babies, friends that have children, family, because what would they say?? I'm sorry my children lived and yours didn't? YES! Go ahead and say that to us! It will acknowledge that fact that we also have a child.

I look at babies a different way than I ever used to. I look at them and wonder what their mother did differently to keep them safe. I mean I did every single thing in my power to get this beautiful child to this ugly world for 38 weeks. I mean I didn't take my vitamins a couple times, I didn't sleep a full 8 hours a night sometimes, but I made sure to follow the books word for word on what to do.

In fact I've gone back through all the books I read and maybe I was naive to not think that the one line about still birth would be me. "A child loss after 20 weeks is called Stillbirth" Huh? Did any other mothers go through and dissect this line out of the what to expect books? I know I must have just kept reading.

I have a cousin who had her little girl Rylin 10 days before Delaney. Every single time we see a new picture of her we show each other. My cousin was so amazing as making Delaney apart of their family. Sometimes I feel like I could hug her a thousand times over just by putting Rylin in one of Delaneys outfits and even just for a second think about our daughter. My cousin and her husband are the type of parents that we would be. I mean I know we are parents but there is only so many things we can do as bereaved parents, right? They love their daughter and make sure that they tell her everyday. They will teach their daughter about the world in an open minded state and not one that is full of wonder, judgement or hate. We look at Rylin when she experiences her firsts and live vicariously through their little family of 3 humans and 2 dogs. A family just like us. A family that we aspire for with all of our being.


I hope that one day we can have a child on our lap when we go on a trip and I can select yes. I hope that one day I can look at a pregnant woman as beautiful and not a death trap. I hope that one day when the simplest thing won't bring my heart into a whirlwind of emotions. I hope that one day, when I'm comfortable in these god awful shoes I've been wearing for the past 9 months, I'll still have enough people to walk beside us and love the people that we are now. Not out of obligation but out of love.