You never realize how quickly your life, body, mind, and soul can change. It doesn’t take much to completely rock your world.
Our emotions and mental health truly control every other aspect of our lives.
Our gut health is attached to all our psyche. It controls how we survive.
I’ve never been a small girl. I hit puberty super early because I had my first menstrual cycle when I was a ripe young 9. Which meant I had to learn about it through the school nurse when I thought I was dying.
I remember always being the ‘chubby’ girl. I was the 6th grader with a size D cup bra. I was the 5’2” girl that just kept growing in her belly vs her height. I was a snacker. I had a sweet tooth,and I was a bit lazy in high school. I drank ice coffee that I used to call crack, I would get a medium with 8 and 8. I know GROSS. After high school, I lived on diet pills, water, cigarettes, and a few other items I won’t disclose and lost a lot of weight. I, for the first time, and only time, hit size 4. That was not healthy for me. I looked gross. I then realized, food did need to be in daily life, if I wanted to stay alive.
By my 25th Birthday, I was finally OK with how I looked. I teetered between a size 8 and 10. I didn’t have to worry much about what I ate or drank because I was active. I worked Retail and was always on my feet. I Fell in love. We moved to the big city of NY. I quit smoking, started a desk job and put on some weight.
By the time we were married in 2010, I had gotten up to a size 20. I had for the first time since high school, hated whom I saw in the mirror. I took it for granted though. I still didn’t think I deserved to do things to take care of me.
When we were getting pregnant in 2012 with Delaney, I had a “goal weight” of 210 pounds, in order for me to try and get pregnant. I got down to 212. I got pregnant. With being as sick as was with her, my delivery weight was 220. After she died, I quickly put on weight. Not from overeating. But from depression, mental health, alcohol and eating my once a day at 10 pm, if that’s what I could muster. I was stuck in the hamster wheel of grief. It happened for years.
In 2015, when we got pregnant with the boys, my goal weight for IVF, was again 210…. Never made it. Nonetheless, I got pregnant, OBESE, with twins. I hardly gained weight with them because of Hyperemesis. My highest Twin pregnancy weight was 239. The biggest I had ever been in my whole life. And it was only 9 pounds more than when I got pregnant.
Fast forward to August of 2019…. I could not run around the back yard with our kids. I could hardly help my wife do yard work. I had “allowed” myself to get so lost in my depression that I had gotten up to 244.9lbs. I took a long hard look at myself. This woman, who after having some bad experiences, was throwing her life down the drain. I started to research all of the different (diets) that were available. I decided that Beach body on demand was the (diet) and exercise program that I wanted to try. I could do this in the comfort of my own home. I could follow tons of recipes to ensure that I was eating the right foods to get healthy for my boys. By February of 2020, I had lost 39.8 lbs. I mean, of course, I celebrated it as if it was a 40lb loss. And then BOOOOOOOM, Covid happened. In March of 2020, I packed up my desk for a two-week work from stint, the boys immediately started school from home, we shut our doors to friends and family, and you all know the rest….
By April of 2020, we should’ve taken stock out in the Micro-Breweries in the Area because we spent WAY too much money on beer. Which also translated to Nachos at 10pm, and stretchy pants all the time. I didn’t see how quickly I was packing that weight back on. The weight that I busted my butt to take off. Fast forward to the holidays, I at this point didn’t care about what was going in my mouth, or hadn’t done a workout in months. I could only fit in to the last couple pairs of “fat” jeans that I held on to. I started to see how much weight I had put on in my face. In every picture that was taken. I started to give up on the woman that I am.
May of 2021…. I said WTF are you doing, Sasha. I finally stepped on the scale and had put on 31 pounds of that weight loss from just the year before. Not happy with myself. I was so close to the ONEderland (for anyone that has ever weighed over 200, that’s what us bigger folk call the 100s) and I let that slip away. A number I hadn’t seen since I first met my wife. A friend of mine was about to start a 75-day challenge. Part of that challenge was working out, posting a selfie, water, and I forget what else, but I started it with her. I will admit, I didn’t so all 75 days. I didn’t give it my all. But I found something inside myself in the days that I did do. I found my spark again. I found my motivation again. I for the first time, looked in the mirror and saw me. I know that in 2019/2020 I was motivated. But there is something different this time. I’ve been connecting more dots. I have been losing more than just physical weight. I have been losing mental and emotional weight. I’m letting go and moving past so much baggage that has been such a large toll on my life.
After that initial 75 days, I took part in a 30 day one, which then lead to a September Mental health one. And now continuing to do a positivity for the remainder of 2021. I have mended broken relationships, I have started new ones, I have opened wounds that needed it by being true to myself. I have let too many people for too long treat me worse than I deserve. I have carried other peoples baggage, when it wasn’t mine to carry, so I let it go. I am true to myself. Some people may not like it, and that’s on them. I will never settle for less than I deserve.
I have a little over 2 weeks to my 39th birthday. My last birthday in my 30s. For my first birthday in my 30s, my wish for myself was to be pregnant. That wish came true. I had Delaney in my belly when I celebrated. I am making a wish for myself for my 39th birthday. That for the first time in my 30s, and the first time since my 25th birthday, I will be in the ONEderlands.
Now for all of those that have been following my numbers…..In May I had started this journey at 236.1lbs. I weigh in today at 203.2lbs. Smaller than I had gotten in 2020. Now, I am challenging myself to 3.3lbs by October 21st. Because I WILL have my birthday wish come true. I will look in that mirror after I step on that scale….proud, grateful, determined.
I know that it isn’t all about the scale. I feel it. I feel…better. And I’m working my ass off to feel GOOD…. And then, GREAT.
