Get ready for a vulnerability/accountability post:
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again… you have to love you. This morning the alarm went off and I shut it off. My body didn’t want to get out of the bed. I was tired. I shifted the time that I got my workout in today. And that’s ok! As I was sweating my ass off I thought to myself, it’s always so easy to come up with an excuse as to why I can’t/won’t do something. Why don’t I use that same ease to find a reason for something…..
I have not been sleeping the greatest the past couple of months, because mental load. I’ve been actively working on myself. On relationships in my life and also working towards a healthier me. And the relationship that I have with myself. I took a long hard look in the mirror back in May. From a health perspective I was heavy. Both physically, mentally and just rotten. I was not being the best mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc. but in all of those relationships, I was also failing to be the best ME.
Some you may remember the Sasha that I was in 2012, but some of you don’t. I’m not talking physically because I’ve always been the big girl. I’m talking the genuinely positive, always doing what I can for everyone else Sasha. Now , you may be thinking that is who I am today, but somewhere along the way I forgot about doing things for me, too.
2013 was by far the hardest year of my life thus far but god I am so thankful and blessed to have to lived through it. And so many years since then, I have struggled more than I’ll admit. The best part of this struggle is the growth I’ve had. The amount of love I’ve given and learned to allow in. Becoming a mom to breathing children and parenting the best way I can. Of course, there are many times I have felt as though I’m failing but then daily, I find reasons to win too.
I allowed myself to be taken advantage of so many times by people that are supposed to love and support me. Realizing that I give more of me that I get back. And more so, the more I gave, the more I lost….me.
Well in May, my life took a wild turn. I started to fall in love again. I looked in the mirror and saw this lost woman. This woman whom had almost lost her life twice now but wasn’t living as authentically as I could. I started to focus on what makes me happy. On what makes me healthy. On what I need to have a happy life. I had some very hard conversations with people that i had avoided for such a long time. Some of those conversations bridged a gap for relationships that were broken and we are currently repairing. Some of those conversations fell on deaf ears and I’m going to continue to push for a resolution. If I can not get to one, then those relationships in my life may be forever changed, and that is also ok.
My marriage hit a very rocky patch because I was not actively hearing, seeing, or allowing myself to be ok anymore. I wasn’t being the partner that I signed up to be. This is going to be an ongoing process to building back everything we worked for. We both made some mistakes but together we have overcome and grown through so many things over the past 15 years. That I am up for the challenge. My heart wouldn’t be anywhere else. Marriage is hard. It takes constant work. Communication is key to having it be successful. And my wife is my favorite journey. She’s my favorite person on this planet and worth everything I have to give to another human.
And then there is my health. I almost lost my life for the third time this summer. And that will be the last time!!!! I stepped on the scale today….. and I looked at a number smaller than I’ve been since 2008. And that feels incredible. It’s not just the number, it’s the way my clothes feel. It’s that sexy confidence I have when I look in the mirror at myself. I’m down 32 lbs since May.
And now I have a new goal. A goal that you all can help me hold myself accountable for. I am going to have my last birthday in my 30s next month. And it is going to be my very first birthday in my 30’s and honestly since my 25th birthday that I’ll weigh less than 200 lbs. I may have a way to still to go to reach my end goal (if there ever really is an end goal) but gosh I feel good and I just want to welcome you all to meeting….and remeeting ME
