Pregnancy loss and infertility

Sharing my story.... always feels like I’ll miss something. A little about me. I live in CT my beautiful wife, Racheal. I am a relationship manager by day, loving wife and mother by night. 

Mother... A title I have dreamed about since I was a child in pigtails. A place I couldn't wait to be. I would love to share my journey of how I became a mother to Delaney, Tristen and Teegan. 

Like some love stories go, you fall in love, you get married, you start a family, it's all white picket fence storyline and rather boring to the outside eye. However I dreamed of this "boring life for as long as I could remember. I couldn't believe how awesome it was to find out we were pregnant. It was our first iui cycle in Sept of 2012. I remember how anxious I was to pee on the stick for the first time. When it came out positive, I ran outside screaming to my wife, whom at the time was walking our dogs, to tell her. We couldn't believe it! How the hell was this so easy??? Fast forward five weeks and I ended up in the hospital. I was also so lucky to develop Hyperemisis Gravendarum. What the hell was this? Yea I'm the 1% of women whose body produces too many hormones that pregnancy is not a fun place. The pregnancy was hard to say the least, however Racheal and I watched my growing belly. We picked out our theme, Dr Suess. We found out we were having a little girl. Our very own ray of Sunshine. We talked about her in pigtails on the first day of school, and what she would look like. We read to her and told her all about the world she would be coming in to. We counted down the weeks. We decorated her nursery, we washed her clothes, we sang to her. I was almost time! Our baby girl had so much love she would be coming to. We did our baby classes and got prepared for delivery, breast feeding and being a family of three. In a terribly sick pregnancy all we could do was hang on to the fact she would be here soon. In my third trimester I started to gain weight finally. 36 weeks that all changed. Something changed. Something was different. We were blissfully unaware. We were naive. 

At 37 weeks I told our OB that something was wrong. I told her that Delaney wasn't moving as much. She told me that this was normal. She told me that she was running out of space and that "you're carrying a watermelon in the size of a watermelon how much do you think she can move" words that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Here I am a first time Mama, and my dr knows best, right? Wrong! I called the dr two days later and told her I still didn't feel right and she advised me to drink juice to feel her move and she would see me in two days. 

Today was my last day of work, 38 weeks, I can't believe how close it is to meeting our daughter. I hope she loves us. I hope we give her the world. It was my 38 weeks appt and I get to hear my babies heartbeat...except I don't. There isn't one. The nurse couldn't find a heartbeat, a second nurse couldn't find it, the Dr couldn't find it and sent me to get a sonogram. I sat in the sonogram room, alone, afraid, and knowing before anyone could say the words...my baby was dead; my daughter...dead. Babies don't die after 12 weeks? It's too late to have a miscarriage. Everything is ready though. What do you mean there is no heartbeat? The sound of silence walking back to my dr office as I collapse to my knees. How the hell do I call my wife at work and tell her our baby is gone? But wait she is still inside me, what do i do now? My

Hospital bag is at home, do I need it now? 

I drove myself to the hospital and waited for my wife to get there after her hour commute, I waited for our families to come, all who lived over an hour away. I sat there quiet. Is my baby dead? Or can they save her? My BP started to rise. I had to give birth vaginally. 27 hours of induced labor. Delaney was born. 7:20pm on May 17th, 2013. She is beautiful. She is still. She is perfect. Silence. Complete silence resonated the room. She was here. Our daughter. I'm a mother. Except was I? I became extreme eclampsic and coded 5 hours after delivery. Super scary. My wife almost lost me after we just said goodbye to our first born. 

The Drs ruled her death as an "unexplained fetal demise" WTF is that! WTF does that mean? No I didn't have a fetal demise. My baby died. My daughter named, Delaney, died! 

After seeing specialists and having multiple tests done, we found out that I have a blood clotting disorder called factor V lieden, I was pre eclampsic and I had a blood infection that went into the placenta and took away the nutrients from Delaney causing her death. 

Life after that was no longer about me. It is about her. I live and I love for her. I'm a warrior mother. I have this strength and I know it's her. I call it my Delaney strength. Grief is a life long journey now. Cycles and hamster wheels of balancing life and loss at the same time. 

Since losing her in 2013, we did 7 rounds of iui in 2014, the last one ending in a miscarriage in October of 2014. How did this happen? Were we ever going to have a rainbow baby? We went on to seek adoption and quickly learned it wasn't for us. After one more round of IVF, we found out we were having twins. Two boys. Another scary pregnancy with Hyperemisis. This time watching every thing as though these babies would die on me too. Living most days hour by hour. I developed a condition called Colastasis and again pre eclampsia. My body was literally trying to kill my boys! Not again! The difference is that now I had a voice. Now I knew what to look for, now I wasn't afraid to push back on my drs, I wasn't afraid to march my ass to labor and delivery for a piece of mind. This time I have Delaney watching us. 

Our rainbow babies were born via emergency c section on April 6th, 2016. Almost three years after we kissed our daughter. I know she protected us all. Against all odds, with my body trying to take them and my life, we survived. She kept us safe. 

Life after loss is no longer about the past. Because there is none. Life as you knew it is over. Life is now about living for and existing. I no longer live for me. My life ended on 5/17/13. I started living for Delaney that day. I live for all three of my children now. All three of my children. My boys will know all about their sister. How she brought them to us and kept them safe. I know our girl is always around. I feel her. And I know that for the rest of our life, she will be. 

Never be afraid to use your voice. Delaney gave me mine. She taught me never to stop pushing for what I believe and to never be afraid to challenge someone else's word. She gave me life because the day she died, I started living for her.

Starting over. Again

Starting over. What does that even mean? How does the words "starting over" sound like the biggest and scariest words I've ever heard (next to the words, there is no heartbeat)

Starting over.... Using this context in perhaps a directional sense wouldn't be too scary. Using this context in the possibility of rekindling a friendship may not be too scary. Using this context on reaching a specific goal, school, work, etc again maybe not too scary. However using the phrase "starting over" in trying to conceive after the loss of a child almost sounds like a foreign language that even the best of Rosetta Stone can not help you learn.

We all have one life and some of us are learning how to live it day by day, some of us can only live in the past, some of us can only dream of the future and lose sight of anything present. Some of us are bereaved parents and we are living in the minute because the life we knew completely stopped and we started living a different life the very second our child died.

Starting over. Two words. 12 letters. Deep breath. Starting over.

We want so bad for our daughter, our first born. We want Delaney here with us to hug, hold, watch grow, smother with kisses, teach, parent, love. We want to cross on the wall her growth and date it. We want Delaney to watch a little brother or sister to grow up. We want Delaney to help us show a child how many things in life are possible with love. We don't want to know the fear that starting over has brought.

We know many people will think a second child will heal the loss of our first born but in the starting over it has left a sad an empty truth.... Delaney isn't here on earth. She isn't growing. We aren't parenting her. We aren't etching the growth chart in the doorway and making memories. We can't do those things. She isn't here.

Delaney gave us the courage to try again. But in doing so we have learned more things about ourselves as well as how we now need to grow our family.

In the past few months I have gone through countless tests on what it will take to deliver another child. We have had to have a Psych evaluation to tell us if we should be parents (even though they know about Delaney). We finally have a cause of death for our sweet girl. I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V lieden which caused an infection in my blood that went into the placenta and resulted in my baby girl not getting the nutrients she needed. Although this may be a scary thing to have the team of Drs we built felt confident that I could conceive and that they would do everything they could for me and another child.

So here we were with a plan. A course of action. We thought. After months of iui's again and months of negative pregnancies and now having no more sperm we have decided to stop trying. It is so hard physically and emotionally each month to have the not pregnant line show up.

Although this isn't the way we wanted to have our family, it looks as though adoption is going to be our next move in starting over. There are so many children in this world that need a family and we have so much love to give.

Life never turns out the way we plan it, but never let this defeat you. Grow, evolve, push forward through all the storms and find the rainbow on the other end.

Delaney is our child. I grew her. I birthed her. We love her. She will protect us and help us get through this life.

9 months...

9 months... Today you would look so
different. You would have crazy hair. You would have teeth. You would've crawled. You would've maybe said your first word. Maybe you would be learning how to walk. You would've pooped and peed on both of your mommies. I'm sure Tucker would've found that he can lick you without you making him stop. I'm sure Zucchini would've become mother Hubbard and not left your side during nap time. By now we may have gotten used to a routine of how things should go. We would know how long it actually takes to get ready to head out the door with a baby in tow. We would be learning what foods you like and capturing each new moment on film. We would be starting the story of your life.

Today we would have dressed you in your 9 month onsie. Today we would have taken a billion pictures of you to show how much you have changed. Today you would be bragged about because you would be getting so big. Today we should be telling you to slow down and stay a baby.

I would give anything for today to be the way it should be.

Instead of loving up every moment, today on your 9 month birthday, we approach yet another month without you. Today we struggle to figure out today and tomorrow. We have learned who will say your name. We have learned who cares that you existed. To some people baby loss shouldn't be a big deal. To us, to your mothers... You are our life. Delaney Ann Miller, today on your 9 month birthday we love you more then we ever knew that we could love. We have never stopped nor will we ever.

My wish for other bereaved parents is that they find peace and comfort in loving their child. My wish for baby loss families is that they find people who care enough to say their child's name and who will listen their story. My wish for family and friends of bereaved parents is that they don't give up on us. That they will be there through the journey. My wish for the ignorant friends and family that walked away from these bereaved parents is that they never have to endure the type if pain we feel.

I read a poem, like many others that I have found, that have been so helpful and eye opening.

"We Remember Them…

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember them;

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We remember them;

In the opening of buds and in the warmth of summer,
We remember them;

In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn,
We remember them;

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember them;

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember them;

When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember them;

When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember them;

So long as we live, they too shall live
For they are now a part of us as
We remember them."
-Judaism Prayerbook

We remember you,Delaney! We remember from the start of creating your life what it would mean to be your parents. We remember you from the first pregnancy test that we found out you existed. We remember you from the first time we told our friends and family you were coming. We remember you from the first time we felt you move. We remember you from the first time I sang to you in my belly. We remember you from the first time Mommy read to you and you recognized her voice in my belly. We remember you from the time we found out you were a girl and named you. We remember you when we decorated your nursery with all the love in our hearts. We remember you every time we spoke your name in my womb. We remember you when we saw your face for the first time. We remember you when we held you in our arms. We remember you when we had to say goodbye. We remember you when we picked up your ashes to take you home. We remember you with every single beat of our hearts. We remember you with every breath we take. We remember you everyday.

Today you would be a 9 month old baby. Today you are your mothers reason for living. Today you are our strength to carry on. Today, my sweet beautiful baby girl, you give me my voice.

Today and every other day for the rest of my life....
You
Are
Our
Daughter

Delaney Ann Miller
Born 5/17/14
Her memory will live forever

The little things in this path...

Driving to the airport going thru the mental checklist of what we could've forgotten. Of course we have everything we need for vacation we just always have something missing. Checking in at the airport, like many other routines that should be thoughtless, I get to the touch screen, (do you have a child under the age of two riding on your lap?) most people simply just hit yes or no. As a bereaved parent this hits us right in that deep hole and we stare at the screen. We want to touch the yes screen but we have to hit no. I should have a 9 month old sitting on my lap today.

We should be the mothers that other travelers look at and think "please let that child not cry the entire flight". I look at other parents in public and envy even the crying fits. Now I'm sure If my daughter lived I would have had my moments of freaking out about the public meltdowns but I didn't get that lucky. Now I look at these families with children, families with babies, and I simply ache. I look at all pregnant woman and I fear for them. I fear that they too will be one of the ones that loses their child.

I used to think pregnancy was such a blessing, such a beautiful thing, now I see it as just another way for someone to die. Morbid I know but walk in my shoes for two minutes and tell me you won't think the same thought.

I am a mother but I do not have the child to show it. I can tell my story to every Tom, Dick and Jane that ask if I have children but it's none of their damn business and honestly I don't like taking on people's pity that I don't know. I own enough peoples awkwardness. I have friends who don't even talk to me anymore. Friends that have babies, friends that have children, family, because what would they say?? I'm sorry my children lived and yours didn't? YES! Go ahead and say that to us! It will acknowledge that fact that we also have a child.

I look at babies a different way than I ever used to. I look at them and wonder what their mother did differently to keep them safe. I mean I did every single thing in my power to get this beautiful child to this ugly world for 38 weeks. I mean I didn't take my vitamins a couple times, I didn't sleep a full 8 hours a night sometimes, but I made sure to follow the books word for word on what to do.

In fact I've gone back through all the books I read and maybe I was naive to not think that the one line about still birth would be me. "A child loss after 20 weeks is called Stillbirth" Huh? Did any other mothers go through and dissect this line out of the what to expect books? I know I must have just kept reading.

I have a cousin who had her little girl Rylin 10 days before Delaney. Every single time we see a new picture of her we show each other. My cousin was so amazing as making Delaney apart of their family. Sometimes I feel like I could hug her a thousand times over just by putting Rylin in one of Delaneys outfits and even just for a second think about our daughter. My cousin and her husband are the type of parents that we would be. I mean I know we are parents but there is only so many things we can do as bereaved parents, right? They love their daughter and make sure that they tell her everyday. They will teach their daughter about the world in an open minded state and not one that is full of wonder, judgement or hate. We look at Rylin when she experiences her firsts and live vicariously through their little family of 3 humans and 2 dogs. A family just like us. A family that we aspire for with all of our being.


I hope that one day we can have a child on our lap when we go on a trip and I can select yes. I hope that one day I can look at a pregnant woman as beautiful and not a death trap. I hope that one day when the simplest thing won't bring my heart into a whirlwind of emotions. I hope that one day, when I'm comfortable in these god awful shoes I've been wearing for the past 9 months, I'll still have enough people to walk beside us and love the people that we are now. Not out of obligation but out of love.

Raw/ cut open wounds/ healing....

Five months ago I heard the worst four words of my life..." There is no heartbeat" There is no way to prepare on how to be a bereaved parent. There is no how to manual or fix it manual on how to start breathing again. The reality of child loss compared to the thinking of what child loss could feel like are no comparison at all. 

I did what I could have to make sure Delaney was a healthy happy baby. I read the how to book, I ate the right things, went to all the dr appts, drank tons of fluids, rested, etc....all while I battled hyperemisis for 7 months straight. I didn't cheat! No coffee, no sushi, no deli meats, nothing that could harm her. I even dealt with not taking the Zofran to stop puking 27 times in a day because I was afraid the drs might be wrong that it was a safe drug. So why full term at my weekly appt just to check on dilation and normal routine things did my world crack in half? 

Five months ago I lost my daughter.... I lost my dreams... I lost the Sasha that so many loved.

People have always told me what a happy, bubbly, loving, selfless, strong person I am. The hard part of that, is that most of the people in my life have no idea about the life I have lived. The struggles I have overcome. Even with those struggles, nothing compares to losing a child.

So now I've decided at my rawest, at my weakest (or strongest however you look at it) I'm going to share with you some of my life....

Growing up my mother has always been my best friend, my support, my cheer leader. To this day that still remains. It hurts her to see me as a grieving parent because she knows all of my skeletons. I have always been the same for her. I watched her since I was a small child, try to provide for her children. She was in a terrible marriage with a man that cared more about drinking then his family. I watched her fight for money to try and pay so our electric wouldn't keep getting shut off. To be able to feed us. I watched her cry because she always felt alone. I was never close to my father, I was always "Debbie junior" to him. He never tried at a relationship with me because I was too much like my mom.

When high school came around lots of things changed. So many things I grew through. My father came home one day so trashed but I didn't hide from him because he actually wanted to talk to me as his daughter. Little did I know that he would be telling me of his new girlfriend and that he was leaving us. He packed up garbage bags and left before my mother got home leaving me to do his dirty work.... Of course I cut ties with him at this point.

I shattered her world that day... I watched my mother slip into a depression and immediately stepped up to be the man of the house an help raise my little sister...why not I was 15 and all. It was a blessing in disguise that he left because my mother needed to hit rock bottom for the drs to find a brain tumor bigger then a grape fruit that was killing her. She had a 50/50 chance of surviving. My mother is a fighter. She couldn't see or hear for a little while. She has no feeling on the right side of her face to this day but my mother is still here and she is still my rock.

15 was a tough year for me.... But 16 even worse. I came out of the closet and lost most of my friends. I mean come on, being a lesbian in high school is like having a bad case of herpes on your mouth... Don't come close to scary lesbian, you might catch the gay. Not long after I came out did a guy in high school take it upon himself to rape me. He sure did teach me what a real man was like. My brother away in army, no father and a depressed mother....guess ill deal with that alone. Toughen up that skin girl you have to strong. You have a mother and sister to take care of. I was bullied and beat down in high school. I would have "DYKE" written in my locker. I would have apples thrown at me, milk poured on me, I would get hit with lunch trays. I hated going to school. This is where I came in contact with drugs. They were a feel good place for me. A place that there was no sadness. A place where I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and a smile would come across my face. And the beat drops and the beat drops...boom boom goes the bass.

I woke up!

I did not like the drug scene. It was a scary place and luckily I was able to escape it before I let it run my life. I could have stayed there and blamed my addiction on my bad luck so far in life, instead I said " Sasha, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

I moved to MA and my luck seemed to be ok for a bit. I made new friends, ones that didn't care that I was gay. I found a career, one that I love still to this day. I found love and will spend my whole life showing her she's my world. I moved around and saw so much that I wanted to at a young age. I was hopeful that I would continue to find happiness. Now of course in this time there has always been little struggles and little lessons, those don't define me, they have just taught me who I am. 

I've always been the type of girl to get along with everyone. The type of girl to wear my heart on my sleeve. The type of girl to always put others firsts, even if they have hurt me. I speak my mind. I am caring. I am loyal. I always have your back.

Five months ago my life was hit with the worst thing ill ever go through. I lost my child. Since then I've lost my father yet again. I've lost multiple friendships. I've lost family. I've changed jobs. We bought a house. We've cried, we've smiled. We are surviving. There are days easier then others. I don't need to show people I'm ok. I don't need to own peoples awkwardness that I want to talk about my daughter. Babies die! People die! We all at some point die! Do you want to be forgotten? Or do you want your loved ones to talk about you still? I don't even care about all the wrong we still go through or the past that has helped make me. In fact I am told how strong I am....from today on....here's my proof!!!!

Thinking of my Delaney girl everyday...my daughter, my angel 5/17/13- forever

Surviving

Treading water, breathing slowly!  Wake up, survive! Taking life minute by minute is survival of the bereaving parent. 

In a world where everyone else is living day by day, a bereaved parent is simply surviving minute by minute. We don't know how or even why some days are harder than others but what we do know is to breathe in slow and out slow. We have to learn the "new" us that we have become. We have to put on masks for other people. We have to self preserve and take on what we can. We have to say NO when we can't be in certain situations. We have to look at other parents with living children and ache for our own. We have to breathe harder to survive.

Grieving is a full time job, no days off, no holidays, no vacation time, no clock to punch in and out of. It is full time everyday in conjunction with our real full time jobs, our day to day life and sometimes there just isn't enough time to survive the minutes. 

I will say my surviving time is on Wednesdays. My breath of fresh air is on Wednesdays. My smiles, tears, laughs, shared pain is on Wednesdays. On Wednesdays I get to sit with other bereaving parents. Parents whom have become my friends. Parents who know the depth of pain that we all live in. Parents that let me speak of Delaney with no judgements. Parents that smile when we smile over our daughter and cry when we cry over her too. Parents like many before us, and unfortunately many after us, miss our children with us.  We talk about our babies in an environment where we don't have to own other people awkwardness to talk about our dead babies. Parents who don't tell us things we can't hear, such as we will get over it. Parents that are raw with us and don't apologize for it.

See one of the things about being a bereaved parent is seeing how many people drop off, seeing how many people move on and forget about our children, how many people that can't handle our grief and expect us to be happy again. People who have never lost a child think that us parents who have should just try again. Another baby doesn't stop the pain of the one we lost. The truth is to be a bereaved parent you need to come to the realization that everyday for the rest of our lives we are missing a piece of ourselves. See the thing is when our babies die, part of us dies too! Some of us can continue on to have subsequent babies but still ache for the ones that are missing. Some of us can never babies again. There is even some of us that try again and lose more babies.  

Please if you love us and want to be a part of our lives, don't tell us to move on, don't tell us to get over it. Speak about our babies. Say our babies names! Let us know you miss them. Tell us you don't know what to say but don't keep adding to that statement. 

Delaney taught me that life is too short to care what others think about you. She taught me who in my life would stand by me and who wouldn't. Delaney is my reason for surviving. Delaney is in my every thought, every dream, every tear, every smile. Everything I do in my life now is for her. Delaney made me a mother and for that I'll keep her spirit alive as long as I am. 

As I sit here thinking about how it's been 12 weeks now since I gave birth to our beautiful Delaney, I feel raw...

I feel these layers strip away at certain points in my day. Some days I know that I'm surviving and that I can continue to breathe but some days I ask myself why I'm living and my daughter isn't. I realize that I am not nor will I ever be the same person. I didn't lose a limb that I can learn to live without, I didn't lose a loved one that I have memories I can cherish, I didn't lose my house that I can start to build again, I didn't lose something that can be replaced, I lost my child, I lost myself, I lost my dreams of a family. Some people have told me I'll  be me again but I think it's said more for their benefit then my own. I realize that I do not smile the way I used to, I'm not the happy loving naive person I used to be that lived in a world with rainbows and unicorns. I am now a broken woman with a dead child that I never get to make a memory with. 

12 weeks ago I delivered this beautiful little girl that had all of my heart. I, like many other women, was handed my child on my chest to hold and make my lasting memories of my first kiss of her face, but I was also only able to kiss her face for that short time. I don't get to spend my life living and breathing my child here on earth, I have to work extra hard to make it known the love I have for Delaney.

I know it must be hard to always show your children how important they are. Everyday life has so much stress, time constraints, bills that need to be paid, and many other struggles that make parenthood be overwhelming at times. These are the times that you have to talk yourself through the day...but these are the day I'll never have. Instead I have the days like today where I think to myself "how would Delaney look today? What would her smile be like? What would make her giggle? Which one of us would be more wrapped around her little finger? Would she be loving her own noises yet?

Working in retail I see so many different families all the time. This week I seen a little girl that resembled what Delaney would look like. She had the staple outfit we would have her dressed in; pig tails, converse and a tutu. My heart broke, I broke, I couldn't even hold me tears in on the sales floor. I wanted to hug her and tell her how cute she was. She loved her Mommy so much. She was such a happy girl. Would Delaney be a happy girl? Would she know she was and still is our everything?

I wanted so much! I wanted the baby photo shoots with lots of pictures, I wanted the cute birthday with fingers in the cake, I wanted the first word,  i wanted the first step, I wanted her funny faces with trying new foods, I wanted her pulling the dogs tail and giving them the gross open mouth kisses, I wanted her first boat, snow mobile and 4 wheeler ride with her aunts and uncles, I wanted her little cousins to paint her nails and teach her how to read, I wanted to take off every first day of school to take pictures and scrapbook her growing up. I wanted to do her hair with all the fun ways there is out there, I wanted family days, I wanted family vacations, I wanted to have secrets with her that only we knew, I wanted to see her make friends, I wanted to see her ride a bike, I wanted to see her and Rach make the biggest mess they could making cookies for the holidays, I wanted to play Santa and watch her face light up being rewarded for being a good girl all year long. I wanted all the firsts, first book that she loved, first movie that she would watch over and over and over until we all knew every single word to it, I wanted to take long car rides and sing songs, I wanted to have cheat nights that she could stay up past her bedtime for extra cuddles and extra books, I wanted to make her smile everyday, I wanted to kiss her every night before bed and every morning when she woke up, I wanted  to see what sports she liked to play, or if she wanted to do dance or theatre instead, I wanted to see her go to school dances, I wanted to watch her graduate high school, I wanted to watch her get married and tell her that no matter how old she got she would always be my little girl, I wanted to see her fall in love, I wanted to see her become a mom, I wanted everything there is to want for a child, I wanted her, I WANT HER! She is my everything. 

12 weeks...84 days... How am I going to survive the rest of my life without her? How do I make the people that love me realize that I will never be the same person. Half of me died when I lost Delaney. I am half living and most days half living isn't even worth it but I continue to do it for her.  I continue to live my life everyday for the past 84 days because its hopefully one day closer until I have her again...